never have hope Anymore ..

I don't know it's like I've become numb . Although I pray every night and I know God hears me I feel no hope for myself. I'm positive towards everyone else and have faith they will conceive and they do . But when it comes to me I don't ..I've become tired of the negative tests so much. So, I never test and I mentally prepare for my cycle. I literally can't wait for every month to be over because I know I won't have a bfp. I was praying for a late Christmas gift/birthday gift for my husband , but part of me knows that won't happen so I wish the 26th was here so I can get af out the way, sit on the couch, be fat & drink 🙄😞