Cautionary tales: spotting a manipulative relationship

1. The person is always the "victim" in every bad situation they're involved in. If something bad happens in their life, they act as though they had nothing to do with it (even when they blatantly did) and that everyone is against them. One of the first things they do is tell you about all the bad things that have happened in their life and try to get you to feel really sorry for them. " No one likes me, I don't know why...but You do right? You're my only friend"

2. They hold long vicious grudges against the people they perceived as being the cause of their misery (like saying it is the tutors fault he failed university even though the cause was he kept skipping class) surprise surprise, guess who is the new focus of this anger if you leave the relationship?

3. If your family or friends don't like them, the person will claim that you're hurting them by continuing to spend time with people who are "horrible" to them 

4. The person makes backhanded comments about you or straight up insult you, claiming that it's just a joke. " I think you're really pretty for a big girl." Or "Your friends asked me if I had a fetish for fat girls (literally no one I know would have asked that shit) and I was outraged because obviously I like you because you are you". They'll do this about and to your friends and family too. Like "look, a snack for your mum" about a dog (my mum is Chinese)

5. When you (rightfully) get angry at this behaviour, they'll act hurt that you don't "get" them and they were just trying to joke around 

6. Especially after a fight, the person will remark something along the lines of " you saved my life" or "I'd probably kill myself if we broke up" or " you're the only one who gets me"

7. They'll pull vicious tricks on you under the same "I was just joking" umbrella, like texting you from an unknown number pretending to be some boy you've met on a night out, or making fake social media profiles and "testing" how you'd react to someone flirting with you

8. They'll be late or not show up when you've made plans (even when it's important to you, like valentines day) and act like it's your fault ( you kept me up so late last night texting, I was up late trying to fix this present for you) 

9. If you complain about something they'll do, they will use a general feature (race,age,size) against you: " oh I see, it's because I'm___ isn't it" and keep accusing you of it (in my case racism) even when you've clearly explained how that has nothing to do with it 

10. They'll make a point of how you're special and not like other people who are horrible, other girls who are fake and stuck up, other "white people" who can't cook etc etc etc. "I hate how other girls just sleep around with random guys...but you're not like that!" This is another backhanded compliment situation, trying to make you strive for certain characteristics and not for others 

11. When your sex life stagnated, he'll indirectly make you feel like it's your fault and you're not making enough effort to be attractive "I'm sorry you got a bit big in the last few months, I just need some time to get used to it "

There's lots more that I won't have time to write here, but it feels pretty cathartic to write it out. 

In hindsight all these behaviours are massive red flags, but it was my first relationship and I didn't realise how bad it was until I got out. 

You think when you read this you'd be like OH HELL NO if someone did this to you, but they've spent so much time making you doubt yourself and feel sorry for them and "well he was just joking" that you can't see it clearly until it's in the rear view mirror. I've always thought myself as a strong independent woman, and he managed to break me for almost 4 years.

What happened? I got out on pure chance. I lost my job and had to move home, far from him. We stopped talking and I met someone new. Out of the blue I get emails from him regretting he ever let me go and that he wants me back and look at all the awful things that have happened to him after I left, and that he's so sad that I'm in a new relationship. When I don't answer I suddenly get vicious emails about how I'm a stuck up Bitch and he never should have wasted his time on me in the first place. 

After that he's been stalking, harassing and threatening me, my family and my bf on social media through anonymous accounts, trying to get me fired by writing lots of shit to my employer, and pretending that he'd killed himself, writing emails from other people blaming me for his death, and when that didn't work the harassment started again. This has been going on for over a year now.

I'm lucky: my family, work and boyfriend have supported me throughout all of this. My new boyfriend is nothing like him. He's been very supportive throughout all of this, and been careful to make me feel like I don't owe him. 

So cautionary tale girls - don't let this kind of asshole get their claws into you! Trust your friends and family - if they're all feeling the same way about him, it's not because they don't "get" him - its because they actually do.