Updated : 5, wasn't going to update, but baby has been so good I can't stand my 7 month old

   ➖ I wasn't going to update anymore, but 5 days later, he's back to being happy, normal self. I'm over my moody shit too. I do think he was bouncing off of me, him being sick didn't help, and it was just a rough few weeks. Dad helped a lot, I was able to just take an hour the past few nights to just be alone and cook dinner, shower, and clean. Helped sooo much. 

He's currently asleep in his crib, he didn't fight me to put him to sleep. 🙏🏻 

I have taken him out to stores to just walk around, and I turned off all the tv's and just focused on him. I think maybe the tv was making him upset, as well as he just needed me to pay complete attention to him, and get out of the house, and my shitty mood. 

I appreciate the person who suggested the fussy baby group on Facebook. It's made me realize my child is a saint compared to most of the posts I've read on there. It's made me appreciate how easy I have it compared to others, and I'm NOT ALONE in feeling how I did. There are other people out there who feel just the same way I do. 

Thank you to all the ladies who were nice and empathetic to my feelings. I totally vented, uncensored, so it does come off really mean, but I feel so much better now. I'm really bad at asking for help, so I need to work on that. My husband would take baby whenever I needed it, I just need to ask. It's hard for me to do that. Working on it. 

All the negative thoughts and feelings are gone. I did have someone who was like my little brother pass away when all this started, and I think that's part of the reason I was so moody, not an excuse, but I think that added to me feeling so crazy. 

To all the negative feedback, 🤷🏻‍♀️ don't care. I just needed to vent. 🔚

It's to the point where I cry everyday. I can't stand my baby. All he does is cry. He's happy when he first wakes up in the morning and then after about an hour he whines over everything. 

I don't have PPD, I feel like I've tried everything. It's like he hates the house, and it's like "buddy, this is where we live. " I can't change that. 

It's not his food, he nurses. There's nothing medically wrong with him. I just have a sad baby and it fucking sucks. 

I can't stand feeling this way. There is no options for getting a break. He cries even more when I'm not there. Nobody has ever watched him bc I'm a SAHM, so there's no reason for it anyways. 

I want to buy a pack of cigs so bad. I have no outlet. I have been screaming at him to stop crying. Please fucking stop. I hate myself for it. 

Edit:

I'm not going to get on medication for depression, I've finally been clean for almost a year, from weed and tobacco, and I don't want to take any drugs anymore. I used to take some and all I did was sleep. I can't sleep that much anymore, and I would get lazy and not take care of the baby. 

I'm not going to talk to a professional because I would have to take the baby and he would just whine the whole time I was there. Not worth the stress. 

I really just needed to vent, I can't keep this in anymore and I have nobody to talk too. 

I know babies don't cry for no reason, obviously it's something. Like I said, I think it's the house we live in. The lighting or something. 

I also do walk away, I take the time, and come back, but I just can't shake this feeling anymore. The last two weeks I've been yelling at him, I know it doesn't help anything, but it's so fucking hard to keep my calm now. He is literally fine for about five minutes then he whines. 

It's like he wants me to walk from one room to the next, every 5 minutes. And honestly, no, I'm not going to do that all day long. I do hold him, or baby carry. He still cries after about 10 minutes. 

Everyone says how they love their kid, and maybe I'm just a shitty person/ mom, and wasn't ever meant to be one. I can't stay I don't love him, or wouldn't die for him, but I don't like him right now. It hurts bc all my life I've wanted to be a mother. Now that I am, it's like, I suck. I knew it was going to be hard, but I barely enjoy it. 

I have never physically hurt him, and I would never, but he's just so difficult. All. Day. Long. Sleeping used to be a relief, and now even that sucks. 

Edit: I WANT to buy cigs, but I'm not going too. It was really hard to quit, so I'm never touching tobacco again.  

I'm not taking a screaming baby anywhere. I will have a melt down.

 There is nothing medically wrong with him, and he isn't allergic to anything I eat, so food allergy, and all that isn't an issue.

  He is sick, but it's hard for me to empathize right now, and I do feel bad about that, but it's how I feel at the moment. 

I'm not really looking advice, although I do appreciate it, this was mostly to vent. 

This is how I have been feeling lately, and if that's makes me an ass hole, 🤷🏻‍♀️

Edit: he's been to the doctor. He eats solids and nurses. 

I have the wonder weeks book. 

You're NOT doctors, so you can't tell me I have ppd. You just can't. 

Most of you are taking my bitch session too far. I don't sit around constantly screaming at him, I don't sit and cry all day long, I cry mostly when he's asleep so he doesn't see it. 

I appreciate the comments, I really don't care if most of you think I'm an ass hole, but I will not give my baby up for adopted, . This has been really hard lately, and I'm allowed to vent. 

Edit: enough with the postpartum stuff. I literally have like 3 of the things on that list. You're not doctors, you can't just go off one post I have made out of anger, and frustration. 

I would never hurt my baby, it's been a hard few weeks. My kid is an ass hole sometimes, I know he isn't doing anything purposely to annoy or frustrate me. I understand he is a baby, I get that's how they communicate. My baby isn't in pain. He is sick right now, sure. But I guess I over exaggerating how much he actually cries. I was frustrated. Sometimes it feels like that's all he does. 

 I also understand motherhood and parenting in general is hard. I didn't ever think it would be easy. 

You women are taking this bitch session too far. If you think I don't know yelling at all is wrong, then you're wrong. That's why I came here, to vent, so I knock this shit off. 

I also don't understand why you guys think the word ass hole is so horrible. It's not like I'm yelling it at him and calling him an ass hole to his face. Do I think it sometimes? Hell yeah. Sometimes I do think he's an ass hole. I'm not going to apologize for that. 

Edit: I appreciate the comments that were nice, to the people who say I have PPD, no I don't. Again, you're not doctors. This in an app, I was just bitching, and bitching hard. I'm allowed to do that. 

Most of you are acting like this is literally an all day everyday thing, for the last 7 months, like I said, it's just been a really hard few weeks. I snapped this weekend. I needed to vent. I would NEVER hurt my baby. I do leave him and go cool down. 

If ANYONE called CPS, they wouldn't do a damn thing. This baby is very well taken care of. Like I said, you're just going off of one post, out of pure frustration and thoughts. So, report me, they would/ can do nothing. This baby is extremely loved. 

I will NEVER apologize for how I was feeling. Or calling him an ass hole in my head and on this app. I have NEVER said it to his face. 

 

I don't have anyone to watch him, he sleeps good, he's probably just going through the changes. It's just been hard. 

My side of the family is crazy. My mom is literally crazy, I will not allow him around that without me there. 

My husbands parents just freak out when he cries. So I don't leave him with them. 

I have tried the mommy groups. There aren't any around me that are within my area or are compatable with me. 

I tried to start a walking group with people on Facebook and everyone lives too far away. I just gotta wait it out. 

When summer hits, we will be outside all day long. It should help.