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My story is a little sad, (a lot sad), and also happy

My story is a little sad, (a lot sad), and also happy. 5 months ago I gave birth to a beautiful, 8lb 10oz baby girl. She was so beautiful. I did not take her home from the hospital. She did not make it. She was full term. The details of the story are long and gut wrenching.

I spent two straight months in bed. I barely left my house. I cried constantly, (I still do that sometimes); I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I was absolutely destroyed. My husband had the wherewithal to know to get me and us into therapy immediately. We did. I came to the realization that if my daughter could peek in on us from the other side/heaven/the hereafter that I would be devastated if she saw her mommy broken and torn apart emotionally. I wanted her to see her mommy loving her daddy, smiling and living life to carry her memory on. I got out of bed that day.

My husband and I started trying again. (I'm not a spring chicken. I'm 42, and my daughter was my first pregnancy and was supposed to be our only child).

I'm not very far along yet so I'm terribly nervous. I'll hit 8 weeks on Saturday. I'm trying to enjoy this pregnancy. I am but I do a lot of "at this time a year ago, I was..." and I think about my blissful pregnancy w my daughter.

So, if there's ever a rainbow baby story, this is definitely one of them.

P.S. Nobody knows we are expecting again. We are going to wait as long as we can to tell people.

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