First off, this is obviously a vent. It's 4 am here, and I'm squalling my eyes out.

The past few days I haven't felt well-- mentally, physically, emotionally, pregnancy. I was on my feet too much, my little one has been moving so much to the point of making me feel pained or sick, pelvic and back/hip pains continuing to make moving hard. The usual 3rd trimester routine. I also have depression, anxiety, and possible bipolar disorder. I just have not felt well lately, but not enough to merit calling a nurse because I'm told these are all normal.

My husband is a driver for the railroad. He finally landed this job after being honorably discharged from the Army and struggling to find/keep a job for over 6 months. We were down to our last couple of hundred for paying bills. He's on-call which means he goes when they say to, where they say to. Just be safe.

Tonight, I noticed he was acting more distant and grumpy towards me. I've been grumpy, too, and since I didn't feel well I didn't address it. I went to bed.

I get woke up by him getting ready to leave at 2 am for a run to pick up a crew. He tossed his binder on my ankle. He left and I went back to sleep still feeling bad. I've been having BH more frequently also. I get woke up at 4 am from him calling me, yelling because he somehow got the vehicle stuck in sand and they had to call a toe truck. His phone is dying, his vape is dying, and for me to be 8 months pregnant and awoken at 4 am I'm still being calm. I tell him this is when he needs to use coping methods besides vaping and save his battery, talk only to his supervisor. Again, I'm yelled at because he's probably gonna be written up. Well, unless he drove the damn thing in sand up to the fenders I doubt they'll fire him but if he loses the job we have no other options. He hangs up with me to save battery, and I'm squalling.

I already had to watch for preterm labor in 2nd trimester and with how stressed I've been I'm terrified this baby is going to come early. I'm so tired in so many ways and we already know I'm going to have PPD. I'm just so scared right now. I haven't even set up a pediatrician or packed a hospital bag yet. We don't even have everything yet because we didn't have money and my shower isn't until March 12th (36/37 weeks). 😭💔

I have no support system right now when I need it the most. When this baby needs it most. And I'm just terrified that I can't be strong enough to carry this baby all the way and that he will be born from my stress and we will be alone.