I don't want to go see my sister-in-law's new baby

That sounds horrible doesn't it? I hate myself for thinking and feeling that way. My sister in law will be having her baby in May and in June we will be traveling out to Utah to see her and the baby. I was super confident that we would be pregnant by now. I REALLY thought this month was our month! I was even a week late on my period which I'm NEVER late on. So this time has really crushed us. We started trying before her and her husband. They got pregnant their first or third month(can't remember which she said now) and I really don't want to go out there and see all the happiness and excitement and hold the baby knowing how hard this has been for us. Literally every time I get on Facebook I see a pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, baby shower, or a birth. I've gotten to where I hate getting on Facebook anymore. An old friend of my husbands just found out that they're pregnant an they are on METH. I can't wrap my head around the fact that someone on meth, who are already shitty parents, and weren't even trying get a baby and we don't! I'm just so scared I won't be able to hold myself together when I hold my sister in laws baby. I already cry or feel like crying all the time and holding a new baby is just going to tear my heart out. I'm so happy for them, they're going to be the greatest parents. But I want that! Why is it so easy for others and so hard for the rest? Why do druggies, shitty people, and people who aren't trying or don't want a baby getting the blessing of having a baby?! I've tried my hardest to remain positive this entire time but I can't do it anymore. I really just want to spend all the money we have saved up for the trip just so we can't go out there. I've been trying to think of excuses to tell my husband so I can get out of going but I can't think of any. I'm kinda hoping he spends all the money or something. Gosh I hate myself for even thinking this way.. I'm so happy for them but so angry that we don't get the opportunity to be pregnant too. I really do hate myself for feeling this way towards them. I wish I knew how to handle all this 💔