My pregnancy story

I've never shared this with anyone. Im sharing this to strangers because I'd rather do that than to share it with people I'm "close" with when I know they'll just ignore me. First off, i was never a sensitive person. I wasn't a sensitive person til I met my husband because I felt safety, comfort and trust in him and I cared about him. I cared how he carried himself etc., I was never like this with anyone else, simply because I never took anyone else this serious. He's by far not an emotional guy. When I cry or upset, he doesn't know what to do.. I tell him all the time to just hug me, stay there and tell me everything's going to be okay, help me get over myself and never leave me space because to me, if he left me there crying or upset, I feel worst because to me, it feels like he's ignoring me. I know it might not be that but that's how I feel and I explained that to him. He tells me he understood but he doesn't because everytime, it's the same, he watches me cry, hyperventilate, puke & just leave me there by myself. He tries to consolidate me after I'm already such a mess and not wanting anyone to see me as vulnerable as I am. This cycle continues. We never fight over anything serious, it's always about how he doesn't put effort when it comes to me being upset etc., when he's ever upset over anything, I'm always there, loving him and telling him everything will be okay and etc., I don't get this and I feel unloved, left out, it's an awful feeling. I rage in anger and hate myself for yelling, cursing etc., I hate myself so much I sometimes have thought that maybe the world would be better without someone like me. I've never hurt myself and never would but I do get those dark thoughts sometimes. I had a rough childhood, I never want my family now nor my future kids to ever go through what I've gone through. He knows my past, the only one who knows it so well. It took a lot for me to open up. I've only opened up to him. He's very special to me. Now we're having our first baby after 5 years being together. I feel worst. I feel more emotional  sometimes and I don't get that reaction I long for. I sit by myself in a dark corner, cry my eyes out. He knows this and hears me weep yet nothing at all. I'm sick and I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel guilty for not being strong enough and to feel this way while carrying our perfect child who's so beautiful and innocent. I know this affects our baby, I know it might in the future. I tel myself I have everything and more. I should never be upset or sad. But it happens and I can't help it. I feel like an awful mother already for not being strong to not cry, to not pick fights, for being an awful wife etc., I feel so depressed about this. I would never hurt my family but I feel like it'd be better without me in it. We could be so much more. I know people who don't appreciate each other yet are more happier. Until I need to just walk away, he's better with someone else and I'm better off alone. Deal with my own issues.