My friend's boyfriend is very mean to her and I don't know what to do about it?

Question

Well my friend Anna's boyfriend treats her like crap. They've been together for over 6 months. He isn't physically abusive, controlling, or manipulative, but he is very mean to her. Examples:
- yells/swears at her in public
- mocks/belittles her
- treats her like her ideas are stupid
- treats her like she's stupid (she is in fact very smart, probably smarter than him, she just has a learning disability so she struggles with schoolwork)
-  ignores her A LOT. She was once sitting there crying because she has a medical condition that causes her to get migraines but he just ignored her. He ignores her A LOT. 
-  becomes cold, passive agressive, and witholds affection when he does not get his way
- cancels plans with her to hang out with his friends
- gets mad when she or anybody refers to him as Anna's boyfriend (he really wants to maintain his independence, which is reasonable, but I think being mad because people are aware that he's her boyfriend is extreme)
- is very insecure (again, understandable) but he quickly and angrily lashes out at anything he interprets as a sign of disrespect.
- if Anna ever tries to talk to him about the problems in their relationship, he becomes angry and defensive and lashes out at her
- and more... He is very selfish.

In addition, he claims that teenagers can't love (they are both 17) so their relationship isn't going anywhere, which baffles and upsets Anna. I've known this guy for 10 years and he isn't all bad but the way he treats her is despicable. He makes Anna cry A LOT and a few months ago she was considering breaking up with him (she said that being with him made her feel the way she felt when her first serious boyfriend broke up with her!!!) but decided not to break up with him because the "pros outweighed the cons". My other friend and I tried to tell her otherwise but she disagreed.

My other friends mom says that she doesn't think the relationship will last and that we should let the situation work itself out. She may be right, but I'm still really worried about her. Plus, they are both interested in the same colleges so she sees long-term potential. (I think she thinks she can change him)

What can I do? How should I help her? What should I say to help her, if anything? I need advice.

Answer

One of my friends from undergrad was in a relationship with a guy that was emotionally abusive and just plain mean to her. They both brought out the worst in each other honestly. It was an awful relationship to the point where when he came to visit her myself and our other friends would avoid them. We tried mentioning it to her but she'd become very defensive and at one point stopped being friends with this girl back home because she kept telling my friend to leave her boyfriend because he was so awful (I didn't know this girl but my friend told me about her and why she stopped being her friend).

My friends and I just decided to be there for her. We listened and offered advice when things went sideways but we never said anything about him being abusive or awful because we knew she wouldn't listen. She eventually left him! It took 2.5 years but she's very happy now with a new guy that treats her well.

In my experience it's likely she's not able to walk away yet. It's a realization she really needs to come to on her own (I know this form my own personal experience as well). She probably won't want to listen to you and I think it's better to be her friend and be there for her until she's ready to make the choice to leave.

One thing I would suggest to say is that whenever things aren't going well then ask her leading questions. Don't say he's a bad guy- but ask things like 'how do you feel about it?' And do you want to be treated like this forever? Basically try to get her to realize that she should leave him because she's unhappy with him. It's not easy but I think it's better if you're able to be there to help her so that when she finally does leave or is really hurting she knows she's not alone and has no trouble coming to you.

Answer

Ask her to look up "gaslighting" and a "narcisstic" behavior. He sounds like the typical personality type that fits both of these. Come from a place of love. Do not belittle him, encourage her. In that situation the prey is blind. Your friend will ALWAYS make excuses until she is away from the relationship and can compare it to a healthy self image ALONE. I truly hope you are able to break through to her. YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE! They have to see that they are wrong, want to change and make continuous efforts to change. Gaslighters and Narcissistic personalities cannot and will not do this.

Answer

He sounds like he is indeed abusive and manipulative at least on a mental lever. Withdrawing affection when he doesn't get his way and swearing at her shows that he is manipulative. She doesn't see it and she tries to have more affection from him but the more she does that the more she is unconscious of it happening

My friend's boyfriend is very mean to her and I don't know what to do about it?

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