Growing up my mom was physically and emotionally abusive. She use to punch me, and hit me in my face and call me all times of whores and itches. As an adult I find it hard to defend myself a lot of the times. There are moments where I feel like I need to be beaten. I'll provoke my bf into hitting me and shouting at me because in a way it feels familiar / soothing. Kind of feels like love . I get verbally abused at work almost quite often at work . Half the time I don't even notice it, or I get abusive toward my bf. I don't mean to it just comes out like second nature. Is there anyone who deals with this or something similar to it ?