Sorry long. Need advice. What should I do

My SO and I have been together on and off for 9.5 years.

We met when I was 16 and dating his roommate, I never would of guessed then that I would ever be with him. He is 7.5 years older then me and I just didn't see him more then a friend, but after a lot of issues happen in a short amount of time he was the only one there for me and I fell in love.

The first 3 years of our relationship was frustrating! Its like as soon as he won me over he stopped putting me on that pedastool. He always put his friends first never really cared so I broke with him but told him we could still be friends.

One day while hanging out with him he was arrested and as they were taking him away he asked me to wait for him to promise, I didn't know what to do cause I still loved him but needed time to heal to fix things, so I said I would wait. When he got out of jail a few weeks later we had sex and I became pregnant with our oldest son. He cheated on and left me twice during my pregnancy. I even went into preterm labor twice and had to stay in the hospital for multiple days, during this time he was texting one of the girls telling her how he wished he was with her instead of me, and another time he brought the other girl to the hospital with him then left me alone with her.

After we had our son we were still separated but his parents wouldn't let us stay with them unless we were married. So he told me we would just do it to show them the paper then get it enolled before the 30 days. He wouldn't do that. We always fought he never ever helped with the baby, always put his friends first, started drinking every night, couldn't hold a job always put me down but he would always apologized and it felt sincere every time. 2.5 years later we had our second son and things just got worse. Our roommates hated me so were telling him that I was cheating on him (I had no time to cheat I was taking care of my two kids and my roommates daughter every day all day and the one maintains the house) and they all kicked me out.

My parents let me stay with them until I got a job then told me to go move into a homeless shelter cause they didn't have room for me and the kids. The only person that offered to let me stay with them was a male friend and co-worker. I ended up getting pregnant and not finding out until 4 months along. I was on birth control and still was having periods. Any ways that guy ended up kicking me out cause I knew I couldn't care for another child so I told him I wanted to place the baby for adoption.

During this time my husband never took or helped with the kids went to concerts got a gf partied everything. All the shelters were full and I had no where else to go so I crawled back to my husband telling him that he was just the father to my children and we weren't together. But he changed got a good job got a place of his own started helping being nice everything. Then I had the baby and made it a open adoption which made him mad told me he wanted me to have no part of "its" life.

I was terrified of having sex cause I didn't want to get pregnant again which put a toll on the relationship and he ended up leaving me. A week later he came back cause he had no where else to go. A few months later I gave into sex knowing i knew when I was most fertile being on birth control felt like I could control it this time, for the first time in almost a year we had sex and I got pregnant.

At 10 weeks I went into the hospital with heavy bleeding turns out I had a subchronic hemmorage. During this pregnancy he never helped always made me feel like shit always had me walking on eggshells. I got the stomach flu he made me sleep on the couch and still take care of the kids. At 20 weeks my water broke without my knowledge (I went to the hospital they didn't properly test me and sent me home after 30 min) 2 weeks later I started bleeding and contracting, went to the hospital they got everything to stop then sent me home. I got home he started yelling at the kids stressing me out and I started bleeding even worse and contracting worse. I went back to the hospital and that's when they told me that I wasn't going to make it to full term he had no water surrounding him and his lungs stopped developing. At 23 weeks I gave birth and he passed away.

My husband never helped with anything his anger got worse turned my grieving time to him saying he was dying of cancer. I finally stopped caring about him and giving into him and now he wants to change is promising me so much and sounding sincere and I want to believe him but I cant. I love him but I'm not in love with him. I have no where to go and am in so much debt because of him I can't get approved anywhere. Im lost.