It's hard to reflect... but I can't help it. It's hit me like a train. One year ago I was in such a different place. So sluggish and uninspired that my roommate would have to splash water on me and drag me out of bed just to get me to eat or maybe attend a class. I skipped classes. I missed work. I skipped meals. So many things were just feeling dead inside of me. My motivation, my drive, my inspiration, my feeling of life just all felt non existent. I remained functioning on the outside.. most days. So no one could really tell. I was desperate to get out of it, I tried everything and nothing was working. on this exact day I went to a supposed "friend's" house after a long break in our friendship due to my realizing she was toxic to me. But I wanted to feel alive and after getting out of a different toxic relationship Every part of me was rebelling trying to find a way to feel SOMETHING. In whatever way i could. So I drove over, decided to let loose have a couple drinks and hang out for that night. It lasted a little while, I was laughing and HAPPY (false happy but hey it was something) and enjoying myself around the fire pacing myself carefully knowing I had no intentions of getting stupid drunk. then I blacked out. I woke up feeling shattered, even more so than before. Who was that? What happened? That's not like me! I made it clear I didn't want him ..  I dragged as I Picked up my things and headed out the door. The next days were the hardest ever. Trying to accept and understand what had happened seemed.. impossible. I checked out completely. No school. No work. No food. I just laid in bed all day. I tried to take a bath to get myself rejuvenated but instead found myself thinking of ways to off myself. I didn't  know what stopped me, there were a multitude of things, family, friends, people I loved, something in my screaming dont but then every other part of me whispering just do it. I hate to admit it, it's embarrassing to have ever felt this way. I had no idea what my next step would be, where I was going, how I would get out of it. I didn't know. I just knew I had to. It HAD to get better. About a month later I would find out EXACTLY why this all came to be...