Surgery for nothing and an angry husband

I've had 3 surgeries in the last 10 months; the last one was done recently by my reproductive endocrinologist. She removed scar tissue from the right ovary/tube that was pulling them behind the uterus to the left side (almost touching the left ovary/tube) and put them back in their correct place, then she burnt cysts/scar tissue off the left ovary/tube. She said to continue the infertility meds regardless of surgery. This surgery was supposed to help and it didn't; I got another bfn. I feel like I've done this surgery, previous surgeries, tests, imaging, taken meds/supplements, and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars for absolutely nothing. No payout, no baby at the end of the rainbow; just more criticism, guilt, and salt guzzled into this massive wound by his family. All I have is the loss of my only pregnancy almost 5 years ago and the horribly awful things his brother and sister said that I'm just supposed to "forget about". Idk what to do anymore, we've been ttc for almost 10 1/2 years. I told my husband I've had enough and I don't want to try any more, I can't do it anymore. Well that didn't go over so well and he's still angry. He said I didn't get to make the decision to quit without discussing it with him first, then he says I don't get to make the decision to quit ttc at all, and tops it off with we're still ttc even if he has to force me to continue taking the meds by mixing it into my food and fucking me while I sleep. Wtf?? You're not listening, I told you I can't do this anymore, you say you're going to force me anyway, and you know I was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually as a child by my sperm donor and who knows how many sexually by his "friends". You know I have PTSD because of that with severe anxiety and depression. I want more than anything to have kids, I'd give both my legs from knee down and a kidney, but I can't do it anymore. Why can't he see that? I've put myself through so much to try to have a baby without so much as a "thank you", "I know this is hard, I appreciate what you're doing and we'll get through it", or "I know my family sucks and they've made this even harder on you/us, but I think we should keep trying and I'll defend you any way I can". Not that I need or want a medal, especially since our infertility is my fault. When we found out his brother and sister were each having a kid last year, I gave him the option of divorce or an open marriage so he would have a chance of having a kid; he didn't want either. I don't know what to do any more or what to say because nobody will listen or just doesn't care; if I say something it's nothing but tears, screaming, and yelling. I don't know how many times in the last few years (especially the last year) I've looked at a razor blade or knife and thought "well one good slice and it's over" or looked at the big glass windows on the landing between the 1st and 2nd floor and wondered how hard it would be to jump through the glass with a running start from the 2nd floor. I just want to crawl into a hole and die so everyone can move on and have what they want.

*4/06/2017

Thank you ladies for your thoughts and support; I really appreciate it. My husband Mike and I discussed this after having some time to cool off and process. He apologized for what he said and admitted that it was something that shouldn't have even been a thought, let alone be said or used as a threat. He said he's having a hard time dealing with all of this too and if I didn't want to continue treatment or wanted to take a break, he'd support either decision. Mike wants kids just as bad as I do.

I do want to address topics that came up in some of your comments.

-I do see a counselor twice a month (usually every 2 weeks) and have spoken with her since this incident. Thankfully she agreed to see both of us at my appointment next week and try to get Mike set back up with his previous counselor, who is in the same counseling firm and mostly why I chose to go there myself. Mike stopped seeing his counselor in 1/2016 because of insurance issues and his boss being a dick about him taking time off. Since I started seeing my counselor in 4/2016, I've been trying to get him to go back. Maybe this is the much needed fire under his ass to finally go back; we'll see.

-My counselor was very concerned when I told her what happened. She said while we're waiting for Mike to get through the registration process to see his counselor again, he'll be under her emergency care. During this time and in the future (even as he hopefully sees his counselor) if she feels that something is wrong, she'll ask local PD to do a welfare check and decide what action (if any) to take.

-We've been together for almost 11 1/2 years, ttc for all but 9 months. He's a good, caring man and this behavior is extremely out of character. I don't think I would have made it through cancer twice and everything else without him. He suffers from PTSD, anxiety, and depression as well but where mine is from abuse, his is from the horrible things he's seen and multiple injuries sustained being an emt/medic for 14 years. One of his last calls on squad was a young woman who was held hostage and beat to death by her estranged husband/baby daddy with a large pipe wrench; their baby and toddler were in the house hiding with the young woman's mom in a closet. There was nothing left of her skull and this call haunts Mike the most. He's been out for 2 years and now works at a manufacturing plant as an office manager and medical officer. Mike misses being in a squad, but is happy he still has a chance to help people and is home every night. On squad it turned into more than 24 hours on with less than 48 hours off, instead of 24 hours on with 48 hours off like it was supposed to be.

-We have explored adoption and part of the almost 8 figures spent has been for adoption fees at several agencies in our state. Unfortunately we have been denied by all agencies we applied at due to a state regulation we were not made aware of. Apparently one of the things our state requires for eligibility to become a foster parent or to adopt, is having at least one child (or children) under your care that is no younger than 3 years of age. Our understanding is that this was put in place to see how the child (children) has thrived in the environment and care you've provided them before placing another child in your care.