One day at a time

My bf was a p.o.c, lied to me, manipulated me, cheated on me, used me financially and did everything but put his hands on me though moments came close. 

He was no help when I was pregnant, going to school full time and working full time while trying to pay ALL bills, find a place to live, bum a ride, save for a car, deal with court, all while he sat on his ass smoking to tell me, "Be strong" as I would cry and beg for his help. I was stressed out my mind and prayed my baby didn't suffer the pain and suffering I went through.

As he continued to lie and cheat, he even brought up planning on proposing to me as  we were trying to fix our lives. He felt nothing was wrong, but I saw the signs and became depressed. In my heart, I knew I was being mistreated. I was in a toxic relationship and it wasn't that I could get out. I didn't want to. I loved the 29 yr old man I was basically supporting.

I finally did kick him out after having enough. Went through the motions of depression as it seemed the things I wanted most 1. Another baby 2. Marriage were taken away as my ex (during the time we tried reconciling) told me he no longer wanted those things. He wanted to have fun in life, drink, smoke and chill. 

I fell into another depression as my closest friends, one after another had their babies, popped up pregnant, were becoming due, became engaged or got married. I felt in my heart that my life was headed in the right direction. How could I have ended up here? The things I've always dreamed of and wanted most in life were snatched away and being given to others. 

Tomorrow, I am getting a tattoo to memorize my little one as I feel it is the only way for me to feel like my baby was real. That I wasn't imagining being pregnant. That I was a mother at one point. 

I feel I need to wait til my 30s for marriage or kids as I feel too vulnerable for anything else. That any more loss or hurt or abuse or pain as SEVERE as I went through would only put me in a nut house.