Happy Easter

RANT WARNING: Advise would be loved.

Every time I see my mom or my aunt they go off on this whole "you should have a baby" "you need to have a baby" rant. They give me reasons to have a baby and everything. I married my love in June last summer, but we have been together almost 5years. We started trying in March (yes I know it's only April) we also decided to keep TTC a secret because it'll be my parents first grandbaby and we want to surprise them. Them harassing me started in December around Christmas. It doesn't stop no matter what I tell them.

"We're not ready"

"We don't have the money"

"We are trying to accomplish moving/buying a car"

"We couldn't handle that and our work schedules right now"

The list of excuses we have told is growing bigger and bigger by the minute!

It's so upsetting to know we are TTC and it's just not happening. Let alone having them asking all the time "when are you gonna have a baby" or the "you just need to have a baby". Last time I held in the feelings. I wanted to cry. I wanted to walk away. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted to take out all my frustrations on it. Well today is Easter. We went out and let my sister and cousins do an Easter egg hunt. It's hard to watch all these littles running around with Mommy or Daddy doing all the fun things I want to be able to do.

I've wanted a baby a lot longer than I'll admit. There were times I would lay in bed at night and cry because I wanted a baby. I think I was 16 when I really realized if I accidentally got pregnant, I wouldn't have minded. I remember being jealous because my friend in high school couldn't hang out after school cause she had to take care of her baby, I wanted a baby. I'm 21. Sometimes when I see people with their kids doing these things I just cry. I don't care who sees me. I don't care what they think. Around my family I cant. I have to be strong so they don't find out we are TTC. So after the egg hunt I just went back home. They are doing dinner around 4pm tonight and I'm gonna go, but I don't want to. I'm afraid that they'll pull their "have a baby" thing. And to add to this I have literally 11 friends on Facebook (they are real life friends) that continually post pregnant belly pictures, ultrasound pictures, and pregnancy feelings like "oh I felt baby kick today" or "baby's making mommy feel soo sick" and I cant help but wish I was pregnant and soo sick. I wouldn't even care just as long as I could have a baby in my tummy. Not to mention all these people getting pregnant on accident, not even wanting a baby.

Yes, I know it's only been a month, and others have been trying for YEARS. I know. I didn't think it would be this hard on me. But it is. It is so upsetting. I feel like I have no hope left.