decided to make this anonymous cause i've seen how rude & disrespectful & judgemental some people can get on here . so anyways i'm diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder & other diagnosis like bipolar , anxiety , rage , depression , & a few other things that all tie into the Borderline Personality Disorder .. i was on a few medications like antipsychotics & mood stabilizers & put on police baker act into the psych ward at the hospital 4 times . i've had incidents where i've jumped out of my boyfriends car while he was driving cause we were arguing about something , i've bashed my head against his car window , his windshield is smashed on the passenger side because of me punching it , my mom has no doors inside her house besides the bathroom cause i busted them out & destroyed them when she made me upset . the landlords had to fix countless windows because of me not being able to control my anger over the years . once i get mad enough i black out & i suddenly have super strength , can pick up giant furniture that i usually wouldn't be able to lift & throw it at somebody . i've completely destroyed my mom's house countless times . it's bad .. even as a little girl i would have episodes & my mom would leave the front door open & go sit in her car so the neighbors could see that she wasn't hitting me or anything & that i was just being crazy . my whole life i've struggled with this & it's been rough . cause once it starts i can't control it .. until it's too late . when i met my boyfriend a few years ago i told him about all this & he thought i was making it seem worse than it actually is .. once we were together for a while he got to see it all for himself & even called the cops on me once cause we were arguing & i threatened to go steal pills from the store & o.d. on them & i disappeared for a couple hours . ( he's the sweetest guy i swear , all the arguments were because of me over literally NOTHING . ) he didn't like me on my medication cause he said i was like a zombie , showing no emotion at all , even when i was feeling fine & he missed the happy/goofy me he fell in love with .. so i stopped taking them & started fully depending on marijuana . if i didn't have it i was not okay . i went through so much of it a day cause i really needed it .. & i was slowly getting better at controlling myself but still lost it at times . i was doing a lot better tho . then we found out i was pregnant .. i thought i'd be able to control myself for the baby but there's been a couple times in the beginning where i just lost it . & i didn't stop smoking marijuana until i was about 5 months cause i HAD to in order to be okay .. ( please don't start bashing & judging cause i'm almost 7 months now & EVERYTHING is perfectly healthy & normal with my babyboy , there's nothing wrong with smoking weed while pregnant & i'm tired of seeing arguments about it . weed is better than any prescription drugs & i know sooooo many people who's moms smoked while pregnant with them & they're perfectly fine . honestly i'd probably still smoke if i didn't have to worry about them taking my baby away ) anyways once my baby got bigger & i started to feel him kicking & moving around it just got more real to me & i quit . not only did i finally quit , i haven't had an episode in a while either . my attitude is improving & i handle situations so much better now . all i do is think about my son & nothing else matters to me . nothing else is important to me . after a lifetime of struggling with this disorder , i finally don't depend on anything to keep me sane & i finally am able to control myself completely & i owe it all to my son . because of him i am no longer " crazy " & i have a grip on myself & my life . this little boy changed me for better & he's not even here yet 😩 my mom & my boyfriend always tell me they see me doing better & they're proud of me . it makes me feel so good to hear that considering where i've come from & the fact that my mom used to call me " The Hulk " cause that's like what i turned into & there was no stopping me . but now for the first time i feel normal . this little boy is my worldddd & i'm so thankful for him . i'm also really thankful for my boyfriend who's seen it all & doesn't look at me any different . he just loves me unconditionally & tries to help me however he can & never gave up on me . that's how i know it's real love cause NOBODY would stay with my crazy ass . but now my whole life is turning around & getting better & i love who i am today . i'm so much happier now . things are looking up for me 😌 everything i do is for my son & i'm gonna be the best mommy i can possibly be for him . it's so crazy how babies can change us like that . he really is the best thing that ever happened to me 💙💯 ( i'm sorry this is really long )