Harassment

I'm so sick of old white men!  I can't leave my house without an old cracker motherfucker saying some shit to me.  I was raped as a teenager so it may hit me a bit harder.  But I'm so sick of being looked at bc of my appearance.  Most of the time I take precautions so I don't have to be around people.  I mostly only go out at night, I wear big clothes, no makeup, it's gotten so bad I've stopped brushing my teeth; anything to keep creepy old men away from me.  But none of it works, the second they see me in 'normal' clothing they come up to me and tell me how much they like my tight pants better; how pretty I am and how much they like pretty young girls.  Why do white men have to make me feel like I need to destroy myself to be seen as just a person?  I can't walk around my neighborhood without being harassed by one of the white men that live here.  I live my life around a routine that keeps me away from old white men the best I can.  I find that heartbreaking but I can't fix it or make it stop.  Today I wore shorts and pulled my hair up (I normally wear a hat) for the first time in a year and of course I fucking regret it.  I just, I just want to be completely ignored or treated the same way they would treat someone who didn't have clumps of fat hanging from their chest.  My self esteem is shit and it takes a toll on my boyfriend bc he sees me (me!) not the boobs and long legs.  But being intimate is hard bc all I can hear are the comments about my body and all I want to do is make them go away; cut them off, burn my skin let my teeth fall out.  Anything to be left alone, I go days without a shower, I hate my body, there's nothing wrong with it except that strangers make me feel like I need to dump it.  I feel sick in my own skin; and most of the time I just want to die.