Reclaiming my own self

This is for my own self. The purpose is not for others to read it, the purpose is for me to release the things that have happened in my life recently.

First of all, my dad is verbally abusive. It feels wrong to use that word because sometimes he's really nice and we get excited about the same things, like swimming. The fun dad comes out every time I get so fed up and prepare to cut him out of my life. He harasses me about my food choices (I am vegan), my grades, my swimming, health issues, the way I walk or talk and basically everything. He sits in a pool of self pity and refuses to acknowledge that he is at fault for his life being in ruins. He made the choice to drink and chew tobacco. He made the choice to harass my mother and now me. He made the choice to show up to court drunk 2x the legal limit and get his parenting rights taken away temporarily. I wish they were taken away permanently. My life is so much better when I'm not around him. I'm happier, less stressed, and insanely more productive and more motivated. My quality of life goes way up. I'm discovering that cutting people out of my life is necessary for my happiness sometimes.

That leads me to the next event of breaking up with my boyfriend. It needed to be done. He was legitimately crazy. He goes to my church. Last year he dated a girl and did a ton of stuff he shouldn't have done. When they broke up, he went paranoid because she sent him death threats. I believe there is more to the story than that. He ended up in a mental hospital. This year we started talking again and he seemed perfectly fine. After several months of close friendship, we started dating. At first he kept himself together, but slowly, he started to show me how screwed up he was. I became deeply afraid of him. He was very controlling and always threatened to break up with me. Every time we had a fight (that was caused by him sending me a message directly attacking my beliefs) he would threaten to kill himself if I didn't take fault. I was not comfortable with physical acts of any kind and he constantly tried to push himself on me after I said no. He wanted me to harm him because "otherwise how is he supposed to hear no". He had no respect for me or my beliefs and views. He got revenge on his last girlfriend and all his friends. He punished his mother even. His mother. He tells my friends that I don't know how a relationship works. I am afraid of him. All my school friends are glad I got out of the relationship. I never was upset after. I laughed. It sounds cruel, but I feel so much freer and not as anxious. He made my life miserable and I forgot what it was like to feel normal. I know putting names is a jerk move, but it will help me to put a bow tie on the whole situation. So, his name is Braden and I'm done being scared of him.

I am loved, valued, beautiful, successful, strong, and fierce. I don't the the approval of some half-assed, judgemental jerk who doesn't care about my well-being.