Trouble Moving On

I feel empty, lost, angry, sad, confused. I don't feel like myself since I lost the opportunity to be a mother. I didn't know how badly I wanted a child until I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know how happy it would make me. I didn't know how excited I would be to go on that journey with someone I love with all my heart by my side. I didn't know until I found out I was pregnant and I couldn't have been happier. Then, just like that, it was taken from me. I didn't know for long but I knew long enough for it it to tear me up when I found out I was having a miscarriage. I was strong for my partner when he needed me to be. It made me feel better to be strong for someone else. I thought that was it. I thought I was okay. Without realizing it, I became angry, bitter, and mean. I began lashing out at someone who didn't need or deserve it. The person who has been by my side and told me everything would be okay. I didn't realize I was being mean until I was addressed about it. I felt awful. I don't like the person I am right now. I hate how empty and angry I feel. Because that's all I feel right now. I put on a mask and play like I am happy, but underneath it I am nothing. I feel nothing but darkness. I feel like I am in this tiny wooden boat surrounded by a sea of black I can't escape from. I want nothing more than to feel normal again. To feel like myself again. I don't know how to get there. I feel foolish and embarrassed for how upset I feel when I wasn't even very far along. I know that's ridiculous and it's ok to feel that way, but it doesn't make me stop feeling embarrassed. The thing is that I don't want to feel this way. I'm having trouble accepting that this is how I feel. I'm having trouble accepting that this happened. I know nothing I did caused it. I know it wasn't my fault. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I lost something I never knew I wanted. Something that gave me purpose. Some days I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. I know the things I need to do but all I want is to crawl into a hole and hide away from the world. I am trying my best even if it doesn't look like it. I am trying to take the steps to being happy and feeling normal again and I know it may take a while, but I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to stop fighting.