Need To Vent

This may be long but I just need to vent & get it all out. I've been ttc for 2years, I have severe endo and health problems, on April 14 I found out I was pregnant! ♡ Was beyond happy that I was finally getting what I've always wished for. On May 6th I went to the hospital and had a miscarriage. It was like everything I ever wanted just got ripped away from me. Everyone tells me that things will get better and every day is a new day, their right but what they don't know is every single day I still sit on the edge of my bed,holding my pregnancy tests I took before I had my miscarriage and cry. They don't know that when I go to the store and pass by the baby section, my throat gets all in a knot because I know that I lost my baby and I'm not going to be able to experience that when I thought I would be. They don't know when I go to church on every Sunday I sit there and talk to God and ask him why did this happen? Did he think I wasn't ready? That I wasn't going to be a good mom? I try to hold it together because I don't want to break down in front of everyone. People say you can get pregnant again and have another baby. But I wanted THAT pregnancy, I wanted THAT baby.

All I know is this miscarriage completely destroyed me. I wish this was all just a nightmare and I would wake up already. But I know it's reality and I'm not ready to face it yet. Drinking just to feel happy for a little bit and to try an numb the pain. But as soon as I snap back it's the same pain again. But today I will cry and probably next week to, but I'm hoping that all these tears I cry, my baby is looking down on me from heaven knowing I at least try to be strong for them. ♡

But I know at least my babies all have each other in heaven :(