I trusted him ... 😔

Let's call him Rome. We've been friends a little over a year now and have had long intellectual conversations. We've spent countless hours together playing poker with our friends, video gaming & smoke sessions. We had some drunken nights and as much as he wanted to be intimate, I just wasn't feeling it. Well I finally decided one night that I was over our friend stage and decided I wanted to have sex one night but insisted we use a condom. A total of maybe 4 or 5 times over a 2 month period and each time I wanted him to use protection. One night while we were in the middle of switching positions & I see him taking off his condom, so I freaked out and immediately questioned him. He told me he preferred the natural feeling and hated condoms but it was weird to me so we stopped. Months have passed and we are now distant friends, but since then I've been unable to shake the idea that I've contracted Hiv. It's been a couple months since I've realized that something is off & a few months since I've been with my man. it's nothing like I've ever felt before. I've gone through all the stages; denial, anger, sadness, & now I've reached acceptance. For a few weeks I told myself that if I came back HIV+ I'd take my own life because I didn't wanna walk the earth as this nuisance... as this person who ppl may see as a slut just because I trusted someone and they completely shattered that trust. I felt sorry for myself because I figured my partner would leave me, because of course I'd have to tell him to save his life. I felt sorry for myself because I throught I wouldn't be able to have children, but I've newly learned that I can have them just not vaginally nor can I breastfeed. Those things still are very important to me , but I'll just have to live without. I felt sorry myself because I thought I would die in about 10 years, but I've learned that with proper medication, can live a rather long and normal life. I'm still deeply saddened however , that I'm about 99.8% sure that I'm HIV+ & there's nothing I'll be able to do about it. I know that I don't have to tell anyone that I don't feel comfortable with, but I do want to try and raise awareness if I am indeed "infected." If you're reading this, this is real. It really can happen to anyone. I've continuously asked "why me?" But the question really is why him? Why did I trust him to practice safe sex? Why would I decide to have sex with him before being tested? The answer is simply that I was being irresponsible & it could have been prevented had I not been. I don't want to know that I am + but I have to know because truth is, I'm not done living and although my life will be altered, it's all gonna be okay. I only pray that my man doesn't leave me, but at the same time I'll also have to question whether it came from him or not but I highly doubt it. I plan on going next week to finally get tested because this is driving me crazy. I'm terrified but I'm gonna be brave and I'm gonna be okay. Please be as careful as you can ladies. 😔 & please pray that this test is negative. Thanks for reading and please no judgemental comments.