I gave up.

Looking at my life right now at the moment I feel some what healed and happy. About half a year ago I felt completely destroyed and was on the verge of giving up. It feels like not that much time has passed, I felt frozen in time for so long. Everyone moving on with their lives, starting a family, being happy. But me, just depressed, feeling like I was failing at everything in life, giving up on everything, picking up bad habits, drastically changing into an unhealthy lifestyle and making highly poor life choices. All because I stopped loving myself. I stopped caring about my own life because I felt like everyone else did too. At a certain time I just hoped I would end up dead in one of those nights going out and making bad decisions. I hoped for bad things to happen to me. I hoped for people to use me again and again, the unstoppable process that I felt was the only way people ever saw me as. A toy to use . A toy to destroy. I met disgusting people that did inhumane things to me that made me feel like what destroyed me in the first place and started everything was not that bad . Till this day I wonder if those people realize the mental/ psychological damage they caused me. I wonder if they know how many nights I cried myself to sleep asking the wall why did I deserve such betrayal and abandonment. I would think so much of everything I lost in the snap of a finger. To me it felt like I lost everything. Everything. I lost my friends, my home, my lifestyle, and the main two that destroyed me :losing my significant other and my education. I tried I really did. But I was miserable at school. I felt like I didnt belong in that new school. Nobody understood me. Nobody knew me long enough to know what happened to me. And if they would find out they didnt understand my pain they didnt understand my brokenness. They didnt understand . No one did. So. I would keep everything inside. Locked up for only me and the depression eating me inside. And that just never goes away... So again. I wonder. How can you live so comfortable knowing you lied, betrayed, and destroyed a person to the highest level possible? How? Yet. At the same time . I dont need any more pitty . Not anymore. Mostly not from them. I rather them not know. I rather them see me happy on social media and think i dont care any more. I want to see him succeed. And I know he will. I know him. The part of him that didnt destroy me. I want his family to be healthy and beautiful. I am done being frozen in time. I am done suffering and crying all the time . I am done not moving on. I am done not caring about myself. I do feel like I have recently been doing good. I am so thankful for the small amount of people that stayed in my life. I am extremely thankful they were there when I needed fixing when I was broken. I am thankful they didnt leave . I am thankful they listened. Because .. Just listening to a person that broken can save a life . It saved my life. It saved me from taking my own life when I felt like that was my way out of my problems. I am so thankful god blessed me with them. At the time I lost faith he was still there keeping caring people around .. Bypassing all the toxic people that were in my life after my brokenness. I did so many things I am not proud of . Some of them I dont regret because they helped mt sanity in a strange way. But others, I wish I could have double thought about. I am in a way glad of the person I am at the moment. I have not achieved what I aspired to for my career goal but I will slowly get there. I will push and make sure of that. I may have not got mt education like a regular teenager but that is okay. 18 has been rough and full of obstacles I could say. Full of unexpected life changing events. I never saw this coming at age 17 . 19 is just around the corner, I wonder what it has in store for me and what life will throw at me. Whatever comes in my future, I know I can handle it. I know harder moments are yet to come. And what I thought was destroying me now will be nothing to other rocks in my road of life. I just tripped on a simple pebble. I stayed so long on the ground but I am at the wiping the dirt off my jeans stage and ready to keep on walking. #hope #happiness #selflove #independence #sleeplessthoughts