The world keeps spinning.
The Friday before the holiday weekend, we found out that our baby had died; I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage.
Obviously we had big/fun plans for the weekend. Husband was going up north for a bachelor party and I was going to spend the weekend with a girlfriend barely ever get to see. Those exciting plans fell to the back of our minds.
At the appointment (10 weeks), we were telling the doctor how excited we were. It took us 16 months to conceive. Weeks earlier, we were lucky enough to see our little baby's heartbeat, at 6 weeks. People say that once there is a detectable heartbeat, chance of miscarriage falls dramatically. Stupid enough, we thought we were in the clear.
The doctor knew something was amiss when she went in for the in-office US. She sent us downstairs to get an official ultrasound to double check. That was the longest hour of my life. We were still very hopeful that everything was fine. It wasn't. We were told the news and what our options were.
That weekend, we forwent our plans and stayed with my mom, to just be together.
A day later, we decided to proceed with misoprostol, a pill to help move along the miscarriage. I chose the pill over the D&C because I wanted to be there with my baby when it left my body. And because I figured feeling the physical pain would help with closure.
Two doses of the pills and a whole lot of time just waiting for cramps and blood, and nothing. Nothing happened. Dr said maybe we were too far along or just sometimes these pills don't work in some cases.
Now it's Wednesday. Our D&C is scheduled for tonight. I am just so sad.
The word "sad" doesn't really do the meaning justice, does it? But that's what I am. I feel gray inside.
When will I be happy again?
It's summer and it's gorgeous outside. I stopped at the gas station to grab some essentials, before the surgery, and it's crazy to see how things stay the same. People are still lining up to get their car washed, getting scratchers, all of that. Here I am feeling dead. Maybe not dead, but not alive.
My husband thinks I'm taking this all very well. Think he expected a lot of tears, on my part. Well I'm not ready to cry yet, to be honest. I'm miles before the tears.
I'm trying to focus on future conception and eventually having a baby. The idea of waiting another 16 months makes me sick. All of the tests and the waiting.
One positive that has come out of this, is (and I didn't think it were possible) I love my husband even more than I did. He has been amazing and so incredibly sweet. I can honestly say that I chose the most amazing man, in the world for me, to go on this journey.
I guess what I need is some happy stories.
Happy stories about rainbow babies that came and are healthy!
Thank you all in advance for you help. And know that I am soooo sorry you even have to be on this page. I'm sorry for the loss you are experiencing or have experienced. There are no words.
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