i decided I'm leaving him.
It's really damn long so if you ignore it I understand....
For the past 3 and a half years I've been in relationship that was just anything but ordinary. Long distance only saw each other every three months and 2 weeks for holiday vacation in December. It was hard. And I was stupid and completely blame myself for saying, "I do." 10 months ago the love of my life said he was tired of the distance but wanted to do things right so he asked my dad for my hand in marriage. I worked my ass off to save money to go and move in with him. Now where he lives my moneys worth is greater than his... by a lot so the money I saved up was quite a lot and I told him take this month of and let's just be together. It was honestly AMAZING. And I can truly say the best month of my life. Clubbing, romantic dinners, watching the stars from our rooftop, meeting his family for the first time(he had met mine I hadn't met his) a lot happened and at the end of that month my family flew over and we had a simple ceremony. I went back to my parents after a couple of weeks and worked my ass off again so I could make more money and save up for our church wedding. My biggest dream, my church wedding. My dad lent me 7,000$ quite a big loan for a 20 year old girl and we got married and swore eternal love in every circumstance 3 months later. It was amazing and I loved every second of it. But what was yet to come was quite a shock. I found out I was pregnant (6 weeks) I showed my SO the test with fear (it being my first pregnancy) and he shoved it aside and said get bloodwork and I'll believe you. The same day we went out and he got crazy hammered I of course know there's a VERY slim chance of false positives so I didn't drink didn't party and well nausea really hit me fast after seeing the test + . We fought... really bad and he said he was leaving. I told him I'm pregnant we just got married DAYS ago in front of God (mistake number one) "you can't go." My mom and dad are still vacationing with us so my mom comes to my door and I open it and tell her mom I'm pregnant and she said "okay whatever" I broke. My mom my husband and as soon as my dad were to find out my support system was done. I cried a lot that night tore a poster of God and flung it across the room because I couldn't believe this was happening to me. The next day my SO wakes me up and takes me to get a blood test. It was positive (DUH) and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said we're having a baby and I got happy he was finally happy. But that's when depression kicked in for me. At 12 weeks he said he was leaving and he walked out of the door. I locked myself in another room with a knife in my hand apologized to my baby and began self harming. He came back with the truck for his stuff when I opened the door and he saw me he rushed to me calling me an idiot who is crazy and doesn't think and that's when I said (mistake number 2) I don't want to have this baby (mistake number 3)it's ruining our relationship. I was selfish beyond believe and put him first. A person who didn't want to believe the pregnancy and who didn't care much for my health and safety during. I ran and locked myself up didn't come out the whole night. The next morning I found him by the door waiting for me to come out. I apologized to him. And he did as well. I hated myself after that because I realized i was in just a toxic relationship and that he was before my child. Went on and on and everything was really good now me being as worrisome as I am at 16 weeks I tell my husband I think it's time you go back to work we really need to save for the baby (we'd been living off of extra wedding money) and he said why don't you. And I looked at him and said okay I will. So I looked for a job in this new town and the problems began "you only want to get out of the house to meet someone else" "you wanna go be a hoe" "you can't work you're pregnant" so I stopped looking... he never looked. At 20 weeks I flew to my parents and had my anatomy scan at my old OB, flew back 2 weeks later and I knew something was different he lied about having worked while I was gone. He would text me from 7-3 and I would ask how's work what are you doing and nothing. I come back and his sister asks me when he's gonna start working and I told her well he said he was? And I told her with who and where and she said no he wasn't because her cousin works there I was like what the hell was he doing that entire time... never told him anything just ignored it. So FINALLY the money from the wedding runs out (I was 24 weeks then) and he begins to work this is where I'm currently at. He doesn't say I love you, he calls me stupid, idiot, UNWORTHY, bitch, hoe every damn name in the book, and mistake number whatever I cry and tell him to stop instead of putting an end to this. I'm 28 weeks now, and I put my foot down 3 days ago. And I said "if you dont change I'm not putting up with this any longer, I made the mistake in realizing so late that my son comes first but I will not raise my son around someone like you my son will not think it's okay in anyway to speak to a woman the way you do" and he said okay I'm gonna try to change. Next day, big fight breaks out again because I asked him to get his sister to take her stuff out of the new house my dad bought apparently i was being Satan by doing so. He said he hopes his family never talks to me cause I'm so rude and such a bitch and I calmly sat down and said "listen I married you not your sisters I can care less who they talk to and don't" and he stayed quiet. And I told him once again, I'm doing everything I can to have no pressure on you, I'm having the baby in my old hometown because better insurance and opportunities for the baby. ( my parents are paying all baby expenses up to 3 months and 3 months prior because I'll be staying with them until my due date and who's gonna hire a 28 week pregnant lady) so he legit has no pressure other than to work to bring food home for himself and the bit I can stomach and he says I leave the entire responsibility on him. So I told him you know what that's it I have always begged you to stay and I'd continue to do so but my child is now first and I've promised him meanwhile you're he way you currently are he will not be around you. You will not treat me like shit and expect me to beg you and run after you at 28 weeks pregnant. And he's just quiet this whole time listening and I'm telling him I'm giving you it all what more do you want? What do I do wrong and he finally says I'm annoying because he comes home tired and wants to sleep and I don't let him. If he's tired he lays down I come next to him and hug him to sleep with him because my husband was gone all day I wanna give him affection. Pushes me away yells and walks out. If I wanna sit on the couch and lean on him I'm being annoying. So I said okay go to work come home eat and when you wanna talk to me I'll wait to be spoken to until then you won't know I'm here and now I'm exaggerating so I tell him look if me wanting to be with my husband who's been working all day if wrong well sorry but it no reason for me to be treated this way. And that was that I gave him the ultimatum. You change or I leave now have my baby and when I see you actually want to meet him you'll meet him and then I'm coming back to my own life with my child who deserves love not a broken home and daily fights. That was that this morning I was supposed to give him money to give his mom because he owed her it and I said well since we are heading over there later how about we stop by and give it to her together. (6:30 am) he says shove it up your ass and storms out to go to work. I walk to the door and say you're not gonna give me and kiss and he comes back barely touches my lips slams the door in my face and I say "I love you."
Im leaving. I tried and although no ones gonna change from one day to another if you know your situation a baby and a wife who does nothing to hurt you, you're gonna change (vise versa for a woman). He's not going to change and I might not deserve better but I really screwed up in trying to write my own life book when everything should be left in Gods hands. I'm leaving to give my son a good life I am his mom and seems I have more balls than my husband to be his dad too. I know I can do this and I'm doing it.
I am worth it all.