Firstly, I would like to acknowledge that I'm partly responsible for what happend to me. I don't see myself as a rape victim, but I did lose something extremly important to me in the blink of an eye. I wish I could move on, but it haunts me. I wish I could go back and stop everything from happening in the first place. I should have done something.

At the time, I had been dating this guy for a few months, and I knew from the start that he wanted to be sexual. He wasn't a bad guy, but he was a bit pushy. Before our first date, I told him that I didn't want to kiss until later on in the relationship. I wanted to wait, but the second we met up, he kissed me. I let him because it was a small thing (I thought). When I wasn't in the mood, he would always try to get me in the mood, or at least, have me blow him off. I always gave him what he wanted for the most part, but the one thing I consistently said no about was sex. I wanted to wait until marriage. I knew that was something important, something specical. This was made clear in from the beginning (I thought). However, I kept giving him ground. He wanted to dry hump, okay. He wanted to take off our clothes, okay. He wanted to naked hump, okay. These things all happend slowy over time, and I let them. But one day, we were naked and we were humping and it went in and it went out. He apologized and everything stopped. He told me that it was fine and that it didn't count. He told me I was still a virgin-- but I didn't feel like one. I could still feel where his penis had been, and I couldn't make the feeling go away. I know that I lost my virginity because I was reckless, and I do not blame him; however, it makes me feel disgusting and it follows me everywhere.

Sorry to all the readers that managed to make it this far. I just needed to tell someone without the fear of being judged. I never know what to say when the consersation comes up between my boyfriend and I. While I've told him that I'm not a virgin, I didn't tell him the whole thing. I don't want to seem like the reckless teen crying because she regrets giving consent. I'm crying because I didn't give consent, because I didn't understand the importance of my boundaries, because I lost something so precious to me in a manner of seconds, and it can't get it back. But I was not raped, so many may feel that I have no right to post here. If that is the case for any of you, I apologize for inturding. Thank you for reading my story, though.