When someone suggests adoption...

Question

Im about to do my first IVF in 2 weeks and I told a close friend of mine.  In the course of the conversation she asked me if I've considered adoption.  I can't put my finger on why this pisses me off.  Mind you she has 3 biological children.  Not sure I would have been quite as pissed if the question has come from one of my childless friends.

Btw absolutely nothing against adoption and we may go that route in the future...we just haven't even gotten close to exhausting our options.

Has anyone said this to you and if so were you pissed?  How did you respond?  Am I being overly sensitive?

Answer

Oh get ready for the most ridiculous, insensitive and dumb questions and comments you could ever imagine. Stay strong and good luck xx

Answer

My best friend who has a 1 year old AND got pregnant again while I was TTC, also suggested adoption.  Pissed me off.  I didn't talk to her for days.  I think that it's because TTC is very personal, and while adoption is a fine choice, biological children are the norm and are a great choice too.  It's not fair to have your choice taken away by infertility.  Not to mention adoption isn't easy, and isn't guaranteed.  They make it sound easy, like you'll just go to the baby store, take out an adoption loan, and purchase a newborn.

Answer

Through the course of our infertility and this IVF journey we have been very open with friends and family about what we are going through.. this of course opened me up to a whole host of comments from seemingly meaning well to down right rude Ex. "Isnt a struggle with infertility maybe a sign that you don't need to be passing your genes on?"- awesome, thanks.. we got plenty of the adoption comments and my personal favorite the comments about how they had a sister/ friend who tried multiple failed cycles of ivf just to miraculously become pregnant after they'd given up hope and stopped trying (is that supposed to make me feel better? ) Infertility is so deeply personal and so complex that it's virtually impossible to understand what it's like unless you've personally gone through it.. this leaves a lot of people just flat out not knowing what to say, so they say something dumb. Forgive them, they do not know! Haha.  Why can't they grasp that you just want what they wanted and got - to have a baby with the man you love - seems simple really. Hang in there momma, it took us about 4 months from start to finish but I'm now almost 9 weeks! You will get there too!

Answer

People don't mean to be unkind when they say just adopt. But the part that always frustrates me is that they say it like adopting is so easy. They're trying to be helpful but they don't know what to say because they just do not understand.

Now...people who tell me to JUST GET DRUNK. You'll get pregnant if you just get drunk and have sex! They make me wish I had more than 2 middle fingers.

Answer

I can tell the reasons it pisses me off:
1. Infertility should not be the only reason to adopt. We considered adoption before finding out that I have PCOS. Our original plan was to have 1 or 2 biological children then be foster parents because we both want a big family. I am sure that there are lots of fertile people who would be wonderful adoptive or foster parents.
2. In many cases adoption costs more than fertility treatments. With the same rate of success (about 20% likely to adopt). 
3. We were turned down from the first 3 adoption agencies I researched. 2 of them because we were still pursuing fertility treatments and one of them because of my husband's age they wouldn't let us adopt a baby and because of still trying fertility treatments. BTW we were also not qualified to be foster parents where we lived at the time. We have moved and are going to be looking into it again. 
4. I absolutely hate it when people start in about how fertility treatments are bad because of over population or because the foster care system. Trust me infertile people having 1 or 2 kids and taking care of them is not what is filling the foster care system or over populating the planet. If that were true then they would suggest "just" adopting to fertile people who were planning a pregnancy as well. 
One time I pretended that I had never heard of adoption and asked them lots of questions that I knew the answers to already but they didn't.  :D

Answer

Yes! just recently. I am 32 and we have been ttc for 25 cycles under 2 years. we have started fertility treatements but not even IUI yet. I kind of felt like saying 
a) maybe, but its not simple either!
b) I obviously want a bio child or I wouldn't be doing fertility treatments!
c) are you saying I should just give up?

its a sensitive subject!

Answer

Yes I was told this. Which is why I'm on the process of adopting. But no I wasn't angry because I felt as though God was using them to let me know he needed me to do a work before he blessed my womb.

When someone suggests adoption...

The Top Baby Tracker App: Embrace New Beginnings with Tender Care

The Top Fertility Tracker App: Your Path to Achieving Pregnancy

The Top Pregnancy App: Nurturing Your Journey to Motherhood

The Top Period Tracker for Empowering Your Menstrual Health Journey