Do you know where your partner stands on values that are important to you?

Question

I sometimes see posts on here from people who suddenly have an epiphany that their husbands are vehemently anti-gay, racist or have opposing views to any number of topics.

Usually it goes something like this "I just found out my husband said he would disown my child if she came home with a black man and I don't know what to do. This conversation just never came up before!" Or "I just found out my husband doesn't want kids! I just assumed he did!"

I kind of find it difficult to believe you could marry or live long term with someone without knowing their basic core values. I know my values and my husbands align on all fronts.

Have you and your partners discussed your values? And if not, why not?

*im not talking about discussing religion. Religion is fluid and some people of one faith believe one thing while some believe another. Religion doesn't dictate your core principles in most cases*

Answer

Omg... How can you marry someone without knowing if they want or dont want kids? What did those people do while dating? I mean, thats the point of being bf/gf before becoming husband/wife... Jesus christ.

Answer

This is probably a major reason why the divorce rate is so high

Answer

People nowadays often get married too quickly for all the wrong reasons. Nobody communicates about the vital things in relationships anymore. 🙄

Answer

We discussed them before getting engaged

Answer

On big things, yes. Little day to day issues, not so much.
Also after having a kid I realize we have different parenting styles

Answer

Consider were and interracial gay couple our beliefs are pretty aligned on super important things

Answer

I can't understand that "it never came up" thing. When my husband and I were dating we talked for hours and hours every single day. I think about it now like what the hell did we talk about haha. But it was literally everything. Our day consisted of sex immediately. Then talking for about an hour. Then sex again. Then talking for the rest of the night. On my way home we talked. When I got home we talked until one of us passed out. There is nothing we didn't go over. I enjoyed learning about him and he enjoyed learning about me. So your question says on important values. I mean shit y'all should have gone through important values early. How could people not know their spouses opinion on race, religion, marriage, kids. I knew what air freshener my then bf preferred. That's important you know. I mean I like clean linen. This is something we need to discuss

Answer

I'm not married yet, but my bf and I have discussed a lot of things and generally agree. We have different political views to a degree, he's very much a left-wing and I'm more in the middle, used to lean more right. He's not religious at all and I wouldn't say he's an atheist, but he definitely doesn't believe in God, while I was raised Christian and still have many values from that and align my life with those, generally. But in most other cases, we agree. We are both learning a lot about life and each other still and have only been dating 9 months, so there is still a lot to be learned, but so far we have come to an agreement we can both compromise on in every conversation over our values.

Answer

I know everything because the issues are incredibly important to me and I want a partner who has the same stances, but people like that sometimes rush a relationship, or they're like my little sister.

Where I want and need to know, she doesn't. She avoids anything that could be called "controversial" because opposing views being discussed makes her uncomfortable, so when she approached about it she just says almost anything to move away from the topic. That's the kind of person who has a sudden revelation that their partner hates gay people or is racist or is sexist.

Answer

This was really important to my husband and I. Nothing has come up later of "omg u believe in that" or "u support this". I'm always shocked of some ladies who had no idea their husband doesn't support something as they thought. But maybe it never came up in conversation?

Do you know where your partner stands on values that are important to you?

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