Haunted
I've been haunted by how I feel about what happened. My counselor said its normal to still find him attractive. But between the flashbacks of leading up to it. The flashbacks of it and then reminder that he let it happen and joined in upsets me.
September 11th,2016 I went out with my brother. I'm not ashamed to say I was drinking heavily. I'm not ashamed to say I was using drinking and sleeping aides to drown my depression...We hung out for some hours, he got high. We went home. He was wasted, So I sent him home. But I n I needed to clear my head. My fiancé of 5 years and I had broken up. I was upset still.
I've been dealing with depression since 2007 so it wasnt new to me. I grabbed another drink. Took two sleeping pills. Two things I'll forever regret.
Two guys I grew up with..asked if they could walk with me. I was drunk, I felt good. I'd always had a thing for B. I didn't get a good feeling from M. So I stuck close to B. Who I'd been joking and flirtig with for a couple days.
We walked ti the park of our old school...we talked...we walked back to his place with M in tow...
I agreed to sex with B but only if he wore a condom. The sleeping pills were kicking in. But I still had a good enough mind to know protection was needed. He wanted oral, I told him I wouldnt do anything with M in the toom. He kicked M out and I went for it..but in the midst of that...M came in.
And I could feel someone taking my pants off...I thought it was B. It wasnt...The second I felt a raw member against me I freaked. I rolled over onto my back saying no.
He stopped. B kicked M out again. And then tried to fuck me...I told him again not without a condom...he kept trying. I said no. He left..M came back in the room...I remember asking M why he thought it was okay..to do that to me...he said because he wad my ex..
I should have left then..but B came back. He had a condom...I felt like shit. I had already agreed to it. So I laid there...M began trying to get me to give him Oral. I refused..
I started to go in and out...of conciousness. I remember B taking the confom off and me saying know. I remember M trying to go in and mesaying now. I remember him whispering yhat it was okay..that he didn't have anything..he didnt have kids...that it was okay...
I remember them taking turns with me...while I laid there..One was thicker and shorter in member size...the other long and skinny...
I remember waking up suddenly and panickinh...B helped me out the house...I stumbled home....And then my nightmare really began...
I've talked to my family about it...they are upset with me for not pressing charges...they are upset with me that I haven't done anything against them...
But I cant stop blaming myself...asking myself was it really rape...hating that B is still attractive to me..hating the anxiety, The fear...the panic attacks...
I'm just...lost...the flashbacks are the worst...but I'm still haunted by them...they live in my neighborhood...no escape...
Comment
Add Comment
Let's Glow!
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.
