13 DPO and losing my sanity one stick at a time

i've prayed i've cried i've screamed i've just about done it all. i've symptom spotted i've noticed the differences i've prayed some more. when i had my miscarriage in march i remember early in that pregnancy my emotions were all over the place as they have been now and since my miscarriage i haven't had any change to my breasts in the following periods that came except this month they got full heavy and busty looking. BUT i've been testing since 10dpo and swore i got the faintest lines and then since up to today at 13dpo NOTHING ZILCH ZADA BOOM. all BFNs like i'm so lost my AF is due between today and the 13th as it always has a 2 day window. 28/30 day cycles. I want this rainbow baby i want to be a mommy again. i don't know how many more negatives i can take when i feel like it's happening but the tests say it's not. i'm losing my shit. 😭😭😭 sitting here crying my eyes out writing this to you ladies because i'm looking at another BFN this morning. Should i just stop hurting myself and accept i'm out. should i wait for ugly AF. ugh this is so painful