just need to rant

Today I looked at myself in the mirror and was absolutely disgusted. I don't know how I let myself get so big again. I once weighed 202lbs and I lost a lot of weight and was 139lbs.. I stepped on the scale the other day and I was 209lbs... gained it all back... today I'm at 204lbs but still heavier than I was before. I don't look heavier because I've grown taller but fuck I'm so embarrassed. I'm embarrassed of myself and I'm embarrassed for my boyfriend. I decided I was going to workout and eat healthier starting today even though we're in the middle of a heat warning. Its 31C out but apparently feels hotter than that.. I still managed to get a short workout in (I'm so out of shape I was drenched after 15 minutes) and I'm going to walk my dog tonight when the temperature drops a little bit. Tomorrow I start 21 Day Fix. 3 weeks till a stronger and better me. I don't want to be embarrassed of myself and I don't want my boyfriend to be embarrassed of me either. He's never said anything but I just feel bad for him. I was so fit and skinny when we met and now 3 years later I'm not... TTC is taking a toll on me as we've been trying for years now and nothing but I'm just going to work on me. 
Sorry, I don't have friends or anyone to talk to.