I chose life

Five months ago I found myself with happy overwhelming thoughts. Those 2 pink lines appeared confirming just as I thought, there it was “YOU’RE PREGNANT.” 

So many thoughts and emotions were running through my head. I was excited but nervous. For about a month my partner was supportive and excited about the baby. Like a lot of happy moments unfortunately they come to an end. 

Things weren’t working out and throwing a baby into the mix wasn’t helping. Stress of a lifelong commitment and baby is too much and can be too much for a lot of people. Unfortunately he left me, and there I was three months pregnant with our unborn child. 

Facing the reality that I had always prayed wouldn’t happen to me, I was going to be a single mother.

All my hopes and dreams everything I had ever wanted were gone. I tried for two months asking/begging for him to please work things out with me and pleaded, “Please don’t leave me while I’m pregnant.” 

Nothing worked. 

I knew we both had our faults and had a lot of stuff to work out. Unfortunately when abuse is a part of a relationship it really was never meant to work out anyway. I think as humans we want love so bad sometimes were willing to adapt and put up with anything just for that momentary pleasure of what could be someday. I was so very angry and I wondered how is this fair that he gets to walk away and do what he wanted with his life and I am stuck pregnant trying to grow this life inside of me. 

I felt my life was on hold. How was I going to take care of this baby on my own? I know nothing about being a mother or how to feed or take of care of a baby. How was I financially, physically, and emotionally going to pull myself together to do this? 

I was so angry with God, I was angry with my child’s father, I was angry with my family and friends. Most of all I was angry with myself for letting this happen. 

I wanted the fairy tale ending — mom, dad, and baby together forever. I didn’t want to bring another child into this world with broken parents in a broken world. 

As a Social Worker I have seen parents walk away and not think twice about their child. I didn’t want my child to go through that. Knowing I couldn’t give her the mother or even the father she so desperately deserves.

I felt empty and abandoned and I wanted the pain to stop. I didn’t want to be connected to this man the rest of my life. I didn’t want the hard single mom life that I heard horror stories about. It’s funny because my whole life I have been PRO Life and judged people who would go and abort their child. Well funny thing was I had found myself in the same situation. A broken woman afraid of having a baby and the fear of the future if I had this baby. 

So I called Planned Parenthood in Cincinnati knowing the time was ticking because I was already 14 weeks along and I knew they wouldn’t see me past 16 weeks. I had to hurry up and make a decision. A lady scheduled me for the following Thursday to start the process of terminating my pregnancy. 

All week I was afraid and I knew Thursday would be here before I knew it. I was too far along to terminate my pregnancy with the pill so I knew they would have to vacuum the baby out limb by limb and tear the baby apart. I felt like a coward and a pathetic person. No one can understand this feeling until they’re in your shoes. People are capable of anything when under fear and feel broken. We as humans find ourselves doing things to relieve the momentary pain but never think of the long term pain from momentary relief and satisfaction.

It was a long week and weekend when finally Monday rolled around and I knew 3 days to go until I went to my abortion appointment. I couldn’t stop crying and feeling sorry for myself and what a terrible person I would be after doing the unthinkable. I found myself reading my Bible that night and I kept praying asking Jesus to help me and what he wanted me to do. Finally, I felt like Jesus had spoken to me, there is was in black and white in front of my face the verse that changed my life forever. 

Jesus had said in Romans 8:18 that, THE PAIN AND SUFFERING YOU’RE FEELING NOW DOESN’T COMPARE TO THE JOY THAT’S COMING. Such a simple little verse but I knew he was right. Jesus was life not death. He had not stayed dead in his grave upon being crucified but rose from the dead and came back to life to show us and the world he is the way, the truth, and the LIFE. 

The next morning I called my priest and NEW HOPE Women’s pregnancy center in desperation to talk to someone about the choice I was making to now keep my child. They scheduled an appointment that night and the following morning I met with my priest explaining I couldn’t go through with the abortion and how I needed help to get through the rest of my pregnancy. 

Planned Parenthood did end up calling me to confirm that I was coming to my appointment Thursday. I bravely told the lady I was no longer going to be able to come to my appointment and that I had to cancel it.

I knew with the choice to keep my child came with a lot of responsibility and unknown. I felt my family looked badly upon me because I wasn’t married and maybe felt like I had done everything backwards. Maybe that’s the case but I know one thing now I would rather have my child with me than worry about having a lasting marriage or relationship with any man.

My child’s life is way more important. I seriously praise God who helped me see that. 

Just a few short weeks later I found out that what I had always wanted was actually happening. God had blessed me with a daughter! When I found out, peace came over my body and I felt so full of love and thankfulness. How could I of all people be given such a wonderful blessing?

I still wonder everyday if this is actually happening and it is! I really am pregnant and I am really having a little girl. I know when I see her smile and she looks into my eyes I’ll know right then that I did the right thing. 

I know the journey won’t be easy as a single mother and a lot of unknown to come with the court process and custody. But at least I gave my daughter life and a chance to bring goodness and happiness into the world and to others. 

I may not have the fairy tale ending and I may not have the support of my partner but I do have the support of my family, friends, coworkers, community, and higher officials. Most importantly I have Jesus Christ and he’s all my daughter and I will need to get through this and life.

Much of what is really happening is unseen. While it may look otherwise in the moment, Satan will never be victorious and evil cannot win. God always has the last word.

I want to thank my wonderful family and my wonderful friends and community for helping me get through this by helping me and supporting me to make the right choice. My daughter and I are truly grateful.