We were all in third grade when they made us learn the life cycle of a frog-- now that we’re adults maybe it’s time we learned the menstrual cycle of a human woman, particularly since that knowledge is much more relevant to our day-to-day lives than knowing when a tadpole becomes a pollywog.  (FYI: 5 to 9 weeks).

MENSTRUATION

The menstrual cycle starts with...menstruation.  That's when no egg was fertilized and you are not pregnant, so your uterus sheds its lining the way Beyonce shed the other two members of Destiny’s child. (“It’s been fun, but I’ve decided that henceforth we will not be producing anything together so I am off to live my best life.”)  Sorry, uterine lining.  We had a good run, but now it’s time for you to re-enact the prom scene from Carrie in my underpants so that for the next four days we’re hand-washing panties in our bathroom sink.

Believe it or not— only about a third of your period blood is blood. The rest of it is secretion and even endometrial tissue. That's exactly why you may see big clots and stringy goop from time to time. It all looks like blood because that's what it is basking in before it gets shed from your body.

This phase of your cycle lasts anywhere from 4 to 7 days. If you bleed for fewer than 4 days or more than 7 days (Sorry, turns out your menstruation was directed by Peter Jackson and will be 1 million hours long!), mention this to your doctor at your next check-up. Mostly likely, this is what's normal for you, but it never hurts to double check.  

FOLLICULAR PHASE 

The follicular phase is the second phase of your menstrual cycle and it can last anywhere from 10 to 14 days  (or to forever if you have a condition called PCOS). During this phase, your body gives the right signals to your ovaries to prepare and release an egg the way putting in coins at the arcade releases all those Skee-Balls.

The follicular phase tends to be a pretty calm time for the body. The horror of menstruation is over, but you do not have any of the aches and pains associated with ovulation.  Think of the follicular phase as the Lazy River segment of the menstrual cycle amusement park.  Relax.  Enjoy.

 Another perk: chances are you'll be feeling pretty frisky around this time. Get it, girl ;)

OVULATION 

The ovulatory phase of your menstrual cycle is super short. It's just the 12 to 36 hours in which an egg is released from your ovary and starts to make its way down the fallopian tubes.

Some women know exactly when ovulation occurs in their body in one of two ways. They feel a sharp one-sided pain in the abdomen when the egg is released. And/or they get a tiny bit of bleeding. Many women—in fact the majority—do not have either of these symptoms or at least do not notice them when they happen. Sneaky, sneaky!

LUTEAL PHASE

Ahh, the luteal phase. Alternatively known as the phase "when the sh*t hits the fan" phase. If the follicular is the lazy river phase, the luteal is the Kingda Ka 418 ft drop rollercoaster phase, so please keep your hands and arms inside the car at all times because HERE WE GO.

Why the drama during this period of time after ovulation and before your next period?

It's all due to that evil hormone, progesterone. Okay, it's not really evil. In fact, it is a pretty  crucial hormone whose main function is to prepare the uterus for a fertilized egg—just in case you get pregnant. But it does come with a whole host of “thanks but no thanks” side-effects: Sore breasts. Cramps. Pimples. Moodiness. UGH. Ahh, lovely progesterone…

So that’s it - that’s what happens in your body, every month: from the time you start menstruating to menopause. Enjoy the ride, cause when you think about it - it’s pretty damn miraculous .

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