My story

Hi ladies. Sorry any of us have to be in here but I'm glad I found a place to vent and get support. I'm a mom of 2 boys ages 3 & 4. My husband and I discussed a 3rd for what felt like forever. I lost over 50 lbs in a year and we scheduled our first half marathon in Oct '16. After our half we decided we would stop using protection and see what happened. I was lucky enough to fall pregnant that very first cycle! I found out on Christmas day and surprised hubby by wrapping the test up. We actually have it on video. I'll never forget that Christmas. My pregnancy went well for the most part. A little morning sickness in the beginning but not too bad. I saw the baby on u/s at 10 weeks, 12 weeks, and 17 weeks. All was going great until the end of March when my OB couldnt find my babys heart beat with the doppler. We were sent for an emergency ultrasound and after stressing the entire ride to the hospital my baby had a heartbeat when they brought him up on the screen. Whew! The very next day my doctor called to tell me my blood work results were abnormal and my baby had a 1 in 5 chance for Trisomy 18. He wanted me to come back to do a NIPT. For 2 weeks I stressed out until they finally called to tell me my baby didnt have it or any chrosome problems. Another whew! A week later my 20 week anatomy scan was scheduled. My husband and I were really excited to find out if we were having a boy or girl. When they brought the baby up on the screen I immediately sensed something was wrong. My baby was gone. He was measuring 14 weeks which was confusing to me at first since we saw him at 17 weeks. He must have been gone for a bit as babies deteriorate after they pass away. I was given the option to do a d & e or delivery. We chose the d & e. The only answers I got were he "may" have had a growth on his neck but it also could have been due to deterioration. They sent him for testing and they called me to tell me he was "normal". Its been 9 weeks and I'm still struggling to cope. Everyone around me is pregnant it seems. Its hard not to be bitter and jealous. Its hard not to think about how big I should be or how many weeks I should be right now. I always knew I was meant to be a mom of 3 boys... I just dont understand why my 3rd son needs to be in Heaven. I was given the go ahead to start trying whenever we felt ready. We havent been protecting but also havent been charting or anything like that. I hope to fall pregnant soon with a rainbow baby.