what should I do?

About six months ago I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. A month later he raped me. I didn't believe it at first because he was high and he didn't know what he did and he'd been drugged and raped before too. It didn't make sense. Not to mention we were in the middle of sex and had stopped because I needed a break and then I said I didn't want to continue but he decided to keep going. I told my friends and nobody said it was rape or even assault. I thought maybe because it wasn't violent enough or I didn't say no enough times it wasn't rape. There was even a moment where he was using me that I could've said stop because he noticed I was crying but I didn't, I thought I had my chance to say no and I did multiple times he was the one to push my hands away. I thought if I did he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. It happened in my own bed with my family sleeping upstairs at around 2am on a Tuesday. I snuck him into my bedroom. I was 16 at the time I just turned 17 June 9th. Afterwards we dated for another month where he continued to pressure me into blowing him over and over again until I decided I didn't want to deal with him anymore. There's more to our break up but that's for another time. And I say that because I didn't break up with him because he raped me. I didn't know he did for months afterwards. I didn't say anything to anyone but my friends and aunt/guardian. I loved him and in fact I still love him and I have to see him everyday at school. He will be a senior next year and I'll be a junior. My best memories were with him. How am I supposed to move on when all I want to do is call him? He always said he would still be with me if we stopped having sex? I don't want to tell any adults because it'll only destroy his life more but what else can I do? I feel like I have this huge terrible secret and I don't know what to do with it, i can't sleep most nights cause I either stay up hoping he'll come up to my window like he did when we were dating to apologize or I can't close my eyes without remembering him pinning me down in the same place I sleep every night. Every time I see him I don't feel scared I feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I still think he doesn't know what he did to me. In fact I actually miss him. How do I even begin to move on?