I hope this won't be long, but I honestly just don't have many friends and need someone to talk to and for someone to listen to me. I'm beyond hurt and frustrated and I don't know what to do about anything. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 4 years. He's been a lying, disrespectful asshole that can go from happy and nice to mean in one day. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with our daughter in January, he's been extremely sweet and supportive. I was thinking that having a kid or me being pregnant was helping him grow up. But, last night I saw his true colors and I don't know what to do. He wants to be here for our daughter but he was okay with the things he was saying to me, he was okay that he was making me cry, he was okay with making me feel worthless. How can someone be okay with that?

I'm currently only babysitting at the moment, but every day I apply for at least 4-5 jobs..whatever I can find. But it's tough finding someone who will hire a girl who is 7 months pregnant. I even got turned down at an interview because I am pregnant. Needless to say, 90% of my paycheck from babysitting goes into Raelyn's (our unborn daughter) savings. The rest goes to a little gas and groceries. My boyfriend has only put in 100 in total since January and he has a full time job. The rest of his money goes to movies, tobacco, eating out every day, and wasting gas. What I'm trying to say is that even though I don't have a great job right now, I'm doing EVERYTHING I can for my daughter. But, for him that's not enough.

Since I don't have a real job, apparently I am lazy. I am lazy because I can't find one. (Even though I apply for new ones every day). Anyway, last night he put me down so much. He hurt my feelings and made me cry to the point i didn't even know who he was and when i pointed out that i would rather live in a card board box than treat people like he does and he said "i love my attitude and i love how i treat people". He said things like "The only things I care about in life are my truck and Raelyn" "Get off your lazy ass and get a job" "It's your fault nobody will hire you" I would have rather him beat the shit out of me then say a million awful things like he did and make me feel worthless like he did...it would have hurt less.

I left college when I found out I was pregnant because it was 2 hours away from where he lived and I knew we needed to be together to be a family. I regret leaving and I have full intentions on going back. When my daughter is born, I want to move up there on my own, do classes, get a job, and raise our daughter because if he is willing to hurt people he cares about, what's he going to do to Raelyn? Anyway, when I said that he laughed and spit in my face. He made fun of everything I said, even though it made sense. He isn't capable of a logical conversation. I just don't know how to leave. He wants to be apart of our daughters life and I can't stop him. But i want out and I want my daughter out. She doesn't deserve that.

After 2 hours of him making me feel like trash, causing me to have a literal panic attack, calling my friends sluts for no reason, and yelling at me, I kicked his truck as hard as I could and left. (Don't worry I didn't leave a mark). It just felt good to kick the one thing he cares about in life, but nothing could amount to the pain he made me feel last night.