To a silent past

I've been upset since trying to get back in touch with my dad and I thought I'd get this off my chest . I wanted to post the poem on Facebook but I didn't think it was a good idea knowing that it couldn't be anonymous.

You raise my hopes and you smash them down

SET

Like an old deity of chaos

my image of you

gossip of friendly faces

twisted up

cruel

You rule only over barren fulfillment

You should be you begging for my forgiveness

But no, I'm not god

RA

even if I should be the center of your world

I'm still feeling like a child

You : the mason with a fire hardened family , forged in fire of addiction and divorce

You : the man amongst the terra cotta army

You think the spackling of your apology is enough to mend the cracks and nicks

Just like the dishes broken, it's not enough to fix

Not enough for this.....

But I wish

The poison that you gave my childhood and your life to pollutes my memories

There's no cure or excuse to dilute the inebriation

Every memory I mourn innocence with no consolation.

I was a daddy's girl

He was my world

I was not his

His was a pain free bliss in a tiny capsule

He was there but not in soul

it was normal and nothing was wrong with being afraid

I watched you self destruct

Everyone time we hid the keys

In a clouded haze a yell for your "keys "

Desperation

"Mom says keep them from you"

A plea

Desperation

"Dad, please "

"Just stay home "

"Well walk to the store to get you a coke "

"You don't have to drive"

"Just stay home "

"I don't want you to die "

Desperation

You go anyway for hours even days

I stay up I cry , I worry , are you still alive ?

The last time we saw you , mom was in a black out rage

Broken knuckles and police for Christmas Day

Mom fumbled in the bathroom for pain pill but not for temporary relief , nothing as minuscule as a simple headache but a head ache We had no words for it but we knew

FE would be the release

But what about us

But what about me

We cried

With silent resolution we lied

It never happened

What happens in hell stays in hell

From then on I kept you locked in my wooden chest hidden away from all the rest

A guilty secret .....

Forgiveness

A picture of us , a locket and evidence of a time that no one recognizes that exists

A letter from confinement

I read when I want more than my eyes to weep

I'd carve the words into my skin just to see them heal

But some scars never seemed to close

There's no bandages to help them heal .

I cried for a place that meant nothing, for " friends" I didn't care about except for a backdrop to a survival situation

Salvation

I step out of the shower and hear scream and cries .

It's funny that time really doesn't fly it only echoes down the hallway .

My hallway is 11 years long .

I get your phone number from a letter in the office

My hallway is still filled echoes 15 years long .

It seems the further from the darkness the scarier it becomes.

You're not the dying man I kept seeing .

You're what was recovered

Blind in one eye .

Missing teeth .

Silver hair .

I can't tell if I've grown or you've only found what you could of yourself .

You're county courthouse portrait is an embodiment of my 11 year hallway .

The boogie man is out of the dark .

With ignorance

Lie

"How are you ?"

Lie

"Good"

Lie

" You?"

It never happened......