Irrational Dilemma

Okay, before I start, I think I'm pregnant every month and this is actually crazy so please don't be mean 😅. So I just recently broke up with my boyfriend, which I've been wanting to do for a while. However, while we were dating we had sex twice during my ovulation week according to glow. He used the withdrawal method, but I was a little crazy; he came on my butt and I scooped some off and put it in me. I'm retarded, I know. (One day before all of this happened, I was super nauseous, so I might have something just going on.) The next week I had a migraine that I found for 3 days. The last day, the whole night I had diarrhea, which I assumed was from all the medicine I took. Throughout the next weeks coming to now, I've been super nauseous on and off. Also, I had diarrhea again last night. I've been bloating after everything and my stomach just is constantly killing me. My period is supposed to come in two days, but I think I just ovulated. Two days ago, I had LOTS of EWCM accompanied with cramps. Now, I've been super moody. Basically, I hope this is all in my head because I just got rid of this guy and really do not want to have anything to do with him. I was hoping someone could give me peace of mind, and more than a "just test". I know I need to test, but it's late tonight and really bugging me. Thank you for whatever help. :)