daddy problems.

when I was 3 my parents got divorced, every other weekend was my dad's weekend with my older brother and I. he was my hero & the coolest dad ever when I was growing up, but with him doing his tours (military) he wasn't around a lot which broke my heart because I wanted my daddy, well when he finished his tours he started drinking more I wouldn't call him PTSD or anything because he just didn't have any symptoms. when I was younger he did get drunk a lot but not like this. there were times when he would cancel our weekends together to have parties. (mind you he was in his mid 30s) when I became older, my brother was about 16-17 at the time (we are 4 years apart) my dad kept on pressuring my brother to join the military, my dad had a TEMPER. he would scream at my brother for hours a day. my dad made my brother feel like he wasn't worthy of his own father. as a young girl I had to hear all of it. it broke my heart I wanted to protect my brother so much but I couldn't. my dad never landed a hand on us but he was verbally abusive. he use to call my mom cussing her out, calling her bitch for NO reason. he was just cruel.

after a while my brother & I just stopped visiting with my dad, we would stop by occasionally and stay for a few moments but not for long. I love my dad regardless of what he has done, he helped make me, as a child my dad was my ENTIRE WORLD. now? four years ago he moved away just decided to tell us that he's leaving to be with a woman that he cheated on my mom with years ago (his new wife was also married at the time) ANYways, she lived in Virginia. we were in South Carolina. it took him a while to sell his house, he and his bitch of a wife came down to visit two years ago a few months after my stroke my dad and I got into an argument. (Huge fight i'd say) my dad and I never really argued and when we did he always won. but this time I just wouldn't let him. he sat there with his wife and they kept on talking shit about MY mom, the woman that has raised me, taken care of me, stayed in the hospital with me EVERY SINGLE TIME, never left me and my brother, SHE WAS/IS MY LIFE. I called my mom asked her to come get me and I left. didn't hug my dad bye nothing. I went on Facebook the next day and him and that woman (Jackie) are engaged. he never fucking told me he was planning on proposing to her. I just felt numb after that, I didn't go back to tell him goodbye or to travel safe nothing.

I decided to try to be close to him again (what girl doesn't want her father) it was a year later that I tried to reconnect with him, last time I saw him was my high school graduation for 10 minutes. after those ten minutes he went on his way back to Maryland (Jackie and him moved to a bigger place last year) he rarely talks to me now, doesn't really text/call me to check up on me. during my pregnancy he never asked about the pregnancy never asked how I was when I gave them up for adoption. never asked if he could meet them. nothing.

I want my dad in my life more than anything, I have asked him to come down but he won't. he doesn't want to pay for a hotel, or a plane doesn't want to drive nothing. I can't go up there because I don't like his wife & I can't get on a plane right now (I have hearing problems and I have never been on a plane alone) my mom just keeps telling me to pray for him but that's all I do. I just want my dad to be my dad and be here for me & my brother. It breaks my heart. 🙁