*update2* He called me a bitch again, and it only makes me smile 🙂

Hey ladies, I'm back...

So last night me and my husband were watching Fear Factor, and there was 2 really fit girls competing. Anyways their legs were so nice and they were power lifters and it gave me inspiration to work out after I have this baby. I have never joined a gym or worked out really in my life. Actually since having my 1st 8 years ago i havent done much just for me...But I feel like being 25 and caring for 3, soon to be 4, children all the time is a doozy, and I want to dedicate something to myself JUST for me! What better thing than a gym membership...

So as I sat there quietly thinking of how I can't wait to be at the gym headphones on just zoning into my own world, I also knew it was going to cause a riff...But I said "fuk it" and opened my mouth...

I told him I wanted to join the gym after this once she's a bit older. He went off...😵😵

Obviously, I'm an attention seeking bitch for wanting to go to the gym😐, duuhh right ?!

So he went on n on calling me a bitch , saying I just want people to look at me, I don't respect myself or him...bla bla bla 😩😩

I sat there quietly w a smile on my face..well a smirk 😏so he wouldn't see. I pretended to.be upset, but I wasn't. I wasn't upset because he's so predictable. I wasn't upset because It made me realize that the whole reason he is upset is because he KNOWS he doesn't treat me right , he knows I can find someone better and he's scared!! For once in our marriage I've realized my husband is scared...

Scared to loose me, his backbone...so even tho he called me names and degraded me, I still have the upper hand. I'm learning, I'm moving forward w my life and my understanding of my relationship while he's staying in the same negative ugly dark place...

And guess what ladies, NO ONE can control my actions but ME. I WILL go to the gym, and maybe I'll even wear fukin spandex lol 😂😁...and if he tries to attack me physically, then he loaded my gun for me metaphorically...gave me ammunition ...im going to sit back and let him TRY to tear me down. He's only going to hang himself in the end 🙂😊☺ and because of that today I smile !!!

**So some of y'all took this the complete wrong way I'm not teaching my kids abuse is okay ...

If you read my post "no dinner for you asshole" I stood up for myself this was something entirely different...it wasn't about standing up for myself , yet I made it clear I'm still going to the gym which in turn is....standing up for myself, but this was more about how much my husband has taught me and yes I know "just leave" right...? So easy to say when you haven't been in my shoes and don't know the full story. But right now that's impossible, when it is possible I will. But until then I'm going to take everything in and fully learn from this situation. I'm going to use this to my advantage .. I'm going to show how I can leave w dignity, and not stoop to his level...it must be hard for y'all to understand if you've never been where I'm at and that's okay, but I hope anyone going thru this can read it and feel better or learn from it..

Please retrain from making assumptions about my children.

Anyways , as more situations occur in my household I will keep posting, learning, geowing, until I can LEAVE for now everyone hang in there and have a good day 😏😊🙂 **

**#2***

Just for some that are upset by this, I am unfortunately financially dependent on my husband and am almost 30 weeks pregnant. Once my daughter is old enough to go to child care I'll be getting a job and secretly saving as much as possible. I don't have family here or friends and I can't go to my family for help w anything unfortunately...

I don't feel like I HAVE to explain myself, but it seems some.of y'all are truly worried about my kids. And for that I'm grateful. My husband is an abusive asshole to me, but he is a great dad..i shield my kids.from as much as possible. But I am also on every waiting list for shelters and housing, I am NOT just sitting back and letting this happen. 🙂 I've got a plan but I also won't just leave and be on the street living out of my car.and unprotected. I may be in a bad relationship, but I'm not an idiot...