I don’t really care anymore..

I’ve been clinically depressed for about 4 years now. I’ve had a really hard life and I’ve noticed that lately I just don’t care anymore. I’ve kinda just been wishing that death would come. I’m not on any meds, by choice. It just feels like too much work to want to live. I’ve come close to giving up a lot. But my little sister, who is only 6, is mainly what keeps me going. My mom doesn’t really understand what I mean when I say I’m not afraid of dying and always tells me to read the Bible and pray. I have trouble believing because of past experiences. I was drinking yesterday and wanted to get even more drunk. My younger sister who’s is 11 was freaking out cause I’m underage and doesn’t want me to die or whatever. I lashed out on her and screamed “I don’t see why you care so much. Trust me I’ll be fucking dead by the age of 19 so don’t worry about it!” I guess I just want to hear of someone else who felt like this and got through it.