About 4 years ago, after going through a divorce, I met the man I truly believed to be my soulmate. I was 28 years old at the time. This relationship was one of those once and a lifetime thing that is impossible to put into words. I know it sounds crazy and cliche, but it's true. He and I we completely crazy about each other, but there were 2 big problems; 1) He already had 2 kids from a previous relationship and wasn't interested in having more. I wanted to have a baby someday. He also wasn't big on the idea of marriage. 2) His huge family was unwilling to accept me. They are a close knit farming family, suspicious of "outsiders". I guess they assumed because I was kind of shy and college educated that I felt I was better than them. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. I wanted nothing more than to be accepted and let them get to know me as a person.

Unfortunately, this never happened. The family started getting into our personal life trying to drive a wedge between us. It caused me so much stress it affected my health. It completely broke my heart but I knew I had to get out of that environment. So I did. I moved out on my own and the relationship ended.

Not long after that I decided I needed to move on with my life. I was worried about getting older and that "window" of time to find my future husband and start a family was closing. I started to get to know a guy that I worked with. He seemed wonderful. He had a small family that accepted me. We had a great time getting to know each other. We wanted the same things, a house, kids, marriage. About 3 months later, we were engaged and house hunting. Next week marks 2 years that we've been together. We've been married for about 9 month and we live in a great house in a great neighborhood. Earlier this year we had 2 miscarriages, one in March and one in May.

Now I'm 33 and second guessing everything. It's possible the way I feel today is a result of going through 2 miscarriages. It changes you forever. My relationship with my husband has changed. I don't know if it's due to the miscarriages or because we're hitting that 2 year mark, but I am very unhappy. I feel like I may have made a huge mistake rushing into the life I thought I wanted without giving myself the time I needed to heal and to really get to know my now husband. I'm not really attracted to him anymore, our sex life is nonexistent, and he is not the person I thought he was when we got engaged. He is good to me and tries to be a great husband. I appreciate him for everything he does, but there are times he'll do or say something that I'm not sure I can live with. We just don't "click" or connect in any meaningful way.

When my mind wanders, it always leads me to thoughts of the man I loved before I met my now husband. Nothing compares to what we had. I know he's moved on and due to the circumstances we can never be, but I can't stop feeling as though I have missed my chance.

I thought I wanted children, marriage, and the perfect house more than anything. Now I'm not sure children are even an option for me. I feel alone in my marriage and in our perfect house.

Here's my dilemma; do I focus all of my time, energy, and emotions on trying to find happiness in this new life that I've built? Or do I take a chance, break this life apart, and risk everything (chance of children, perfect house/life, companionship) in hopes of maybe finding that once in a lifetime love again?