I have a part time job and I livr with my parents alongside other siblings, I dont help with bills anymore only my own

I feel like a failure and I often think I dont want to continue with anything, I just want to be dead

I cant even tell my bf that because he would probably not understand me, he is currently on a family trip that he "forgot" to invite me to, we are long distance and we had seen each other back in May

Things happened that I wish didnt but ive already looked past it and forgiven him for them, Idk what I want anymore

I feel tired, I have lost my appetite after he left

I feel lonely, I am jealous he is having fun without me

I just want to feel loved and safe, like it used to be

Now i am worried all the time, I panic that he may be cheating on me in random situations even though he hasnt shown me any sign of cheating...

I just want to feel normal, happy, I'm tired of being worried and sad and on the edge all the time

I just dont know what to do anymore