Is it me?
I am lost, idk what's going on anymore. Bare with me this might be long. Me and my husband have been together for 3 years now, not only married 2 months. We have been struggling for over a year financially, small town no jobs. We haven't been able to keep a stable home we share a daughter and he is the stepdad to my son. Just in the last 6 months we got kicked out of our trailer, had to stay with a friend who turned on us and kicked us out, went to his moms house who treated us horribly to where we had to stay in the room and lived in fear, to now at my moms house which is a run down piece of shit with nasty dogs and grown people who don't clean shit. So me and my husband work hard to keep the place somewhat clean so the kids don't live in filth. Granted, my husband does most of the work cause he is a very clean person and super fast paced, I can't keep up. I grew up with a lazy mother so I'm trying to come out of that lifestyle. But I do take care of my children the best I can. I finally got a job but haven't been able to start cause they lost me in the system. We struggle to get the things we need and my mom doesn't have much income either. Bare with me, I'll get to the point. The point is, IM FUCKING STRESSED. I'm 22, my husband is 28. I know he's a bit more wise and has more experience but idk how to deal with all this shit, I didn't imagine my life going this way so wrongly! So we argue almost daily, but its mostly stupid shit and we get over it. But he's saying he's tired of arguing about the same crap to the point he's already considering leaving. But I know we're just stressed and mentally exhausted from living this way. He's been through this before, I haven't so idk how to act. His issue with me is that I always disagree with him and he just wants me to agree and take his advice cause he's trying to teach me how to be an adult and how life is. I do listen to some things but I'm still learning and idk if I can agree with everything he says cause we were raised different and I'm not sure if he's right or wrong, he insists his way is right and to follow him so I don't find out myself. He says I'll regret the way I act now when I'm his age. Our arguments are so stupid 99% of the time and we always make up. But he's already tired of it and says if I don't change it won't work. In the middle of a fight when I'm mad, I have a prob admitting my wrongs I know. But he gets mad at me for things sometimes and I don't understand why cause I don't mean for it to upset him or cause a fight. When I try to explain or correct myself he gets more upset. I do have a defensive side and even when I'm wrong I try to make it seem like I wasn't. But I always go back to try and fix it when I do realize my faults. We have so many misunderstandings that even when I don't do anything and he gets upset he says I never admit my wrongs, never apologize, always turn it around on him. I can't control my mouth and don't know when to stop. I am aware of this, its my moms worst traits that I carry and I hate it so much but I wanna change and try so hard. He walks away sometimes to stop but I hate it, I go after him cause I feel like I'm being abandoned but I also have the awful habit of wanting to get my word out rather than let it go. But I try to fix it too soon when things are still heated, instead of waiting for it to simmer down and work it out. God my life is so complicated, idk how to work these things out before it gets to the point we're so angry. I hate it, I dont even wanna argue but it just happens, sometimes I'm responsible, others its him. But it seems to be me majority of the time even when I don't try. I'm so tired. People wonder why I have such little patience now. Abused as a child living in poverty, bullied in school, pregnant at 15 only to lose my first born due to premature birth. Divorced from an abusive relationship. Now I have 2 kids and another husband that I can't make happy or take care of, living like shit. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I make the men in my life act the way they do. My first husband always told me its my mouth and my fault which is why he'd hit me and hold me down. He was smart though, no marks no proof so he got away with it and we share custody of my son. Now the same thing is happening with Michael, I can't control my mouth and he has a temper and has gotten physical a couple times but he says he is sorry and doesn't mean to or doesn't wanna hurt me but I push him to far. He grew up with drug addict parents and was on drugs himself. I stuck it out cause I knew he could change. He is actually doing great, he's been clean for almost a year now and has treatments and counseling every morning. He has changed and is doing better he does do a lot for me and for the kids, he has 3more kids he doesn't get to see hardly ever cause of distance. He is a good man, he loves me and I love him. There is just the issue of us struggling and not being able to stop arguing and dealing with it in a well manner. I just don't know, life is so confusing. Any advice is greatly appreciated, I know this was a long post. Thanks for bearing with me.