Another sleepless night

Depression.

It absolutely fucking sucks.

I'm not one of those people who is posting to get attention. I'm posting because for the third night in a row. I will be up all night. And I need a midnight ramble.

Around 3:00AM it will be 72 hours I have had no sleep.

My depression has been silent for about a month until starting Monday. I compare it to a bear, a bear that hibernates every so often.

I've been so busy-as a sixteen YO working a 12 hour shift almost every day, balancing a social life, trying to make both sets of her parents happy.

So busy that-that bear waking up wasn't even a thought that crossed through my mind.

But Monday, My scheduled settled down and everything slowed.

But then Monday when I woke up at 8:00 to take my medication, I new that even though I felt like absolute shit-And that even though my anxiety holds me a hostage inside my room. Today would be the easiest of them all.

My mom tries to understand and tries to be supportive.

"Why don't you go hang out with your friends." My mind makes excuses.

"I don't want to be the one that brings everybody down." She then continues.

"What coping skills can we use?"

"I'll figure that out." Is all I can manage. Because the only skill that I can use. Is my skill in crying.

I can open the flood gates at any time. But I dont. Because I would drown in them.

"Crying sometimes helps" not in my case. It makes it worse for me.

Except in these few days. Never has the insomnia been so bad.

I normally am so drained that I crawl into bed and before I let one tear out I pass the fuck out.

My face hurts from forcing smiles.

My shoulders hurt from the amount of stress.

Headaches.

Also-I'm a teenager and I have back and hip aches.

My hair. Don't get me started on that. Lets just say it's falling out. More then necessary, more then it should.

I haven't been eating. That should have been a sign.

The build up scene to the climax.

The thing is you don't get skinny by not eating. You gain fat. Because your body is trying to keep you safe.

It's not that I'm refusing to eat. It's that, I haven't had that crave for food. No sweets, no caffeine, I've been munching on crackers and cereal for the past what-week?

It doesn't sound like a life to me. I'm great full I have a roof over my head, food in the house to eat, clean water, a bed. A family that loves me. A job, school.

Except to me, at this moment.

I don't want any of it. I wish I could give it to those who want it or need it.

Because I don't feel like I'm appreciative enough to have it.

I'm stuck in a tiny room left to my own horrid thoughts, and I can't escape them.

I'm rambling on a period app about depression.

But all I want at the moment.

Is to sleep. Thats all I want. Take everything else if you want it.

Just for ten minutes of a rest.

Because in the end. It's me. It's me who can pick myself up and carry on.

"But it's hard" my mind complains.

"But you've done it before" I reply. I tell myself if anyone can make you happy its you. Stop relying on others to make you happy. When they are going to fail.

But right now. I need to be sad. Because if I don't let my self be sad.

Then soon I'll start wondering if it's normal to be happy.

✌🏻