Are my expectations too high?

Question

Here's the story. So I'm 30. Married, homeowner, just had my first baby in January. My mom lives with me. My parents divorced when I was 2. Mostly due to a difference in thinking in regards to finances. She's not what I would call financially responsible. She was supposed to pay rent. She doesn't. She was supposed to watch my son while I was at work 2 days a week. She doesn't. She works at a grocery store, anytime we ask her to bring something home she conveniently doesn't have money or forgets her debit card. I take medication for depression. I have major depressive disorder with suicidal ideation, anxiety, trichotillomania, dermatillomania, and mild OCD. Mixed with PPD and new mother anxiety. I just went out of work on disability because I'm really struggling lately. Add to that, 6 month sleep regression. I don't shower. I don't sleep. I'm in a bad spot. (Don't worry, my son is clean and fed and in no danger whatsoever, he is the reason I wake up everyday and while I can't/don't take care of myself he is well taken care of. He's the reason I'm breathing and typing this right now) My mother knows I'm struggling. She comes home from work, eats dinner, showers, and sleeps at her boyfriends probably 4/5 nights a week. Yesterday I couldn't get the baby to sleep all day. She had off today and needed to be home because we have family visiting from out of town for lunch. Last night she ate dinner, and went to her boyfriends. I had to go to the store for a few things this morning. Our family was coming for lunch around noon. My son didn't sleep last night. So at 8am she starts texting me that she won't be home till 11am. Mind you, she's not doing anything, she's off and she's just hanging out at her boyfriends. So now I have to take my miserable tired 6 month old (and self) to the store with me to get what I needed for lunch today. Great.  I wanna strangle her. I understand he's my child. I understand she has a life. I don't understand how she could live here, for free, not help with anything, come and go as she pleases, and not feel even a little guilty. Honestly, I don't think I'm asking too much. Let me take a nap. Or run an errand. I'm not asking her to stay up all night with the baby. Are my expectations too high?

Answer

Tell her it's not working out, she's more of a burden than a help.. she can move in with the boyfriend since she's there so much 🤷‍♀️

Answer

The only reasonable expectation you have is that she pay rent. If she's unwilling to do so she needs to move out. Everything else is a negotiation of expectations. I actually think you may feel a bit better if she moves out. It's possible the relationship is toxic and impacting you too severely to have her there. I understand she's your mom. Having her there may not be best for you.

Answer

My mom always told me that if I lived under her roof I followed her rules, and if one day the roles were reversed she would follow my rules. It's only fair. You're housing her, you should have some expectations of her as well.

Answer

You're enabling her. Stop.

Tell her she needs to move out unless she pays rent. End of story.

Answer

What you are asking of her is completely reasonable. I would either sit her down and explain what I need from her or she has to leave or I would just say this is not working out and it is time she moves in with her boyfriend or on her own. It will be hard but if she is causing more stress then she can't be around. I know how hard all of the things you have to suffer from are and the only people you need in your life are the one's who support you. Given I am not saying to get rid of her out of your life completely I just think you need to set up rules.

Answer

Hold on, I'm a bit confused, who is the parent in this relationship? You or her? Because, despite what you want to call it, you're the one doing the parenting here. You're providing for her by letting her leave be with you, presumably she does little to contribute to food or bills. She also seems to shoulder very little domestic responsibility. This kind of parasitic behaviour is a symptom of anti social personality disorders like psychopathy and sociopathy. Is it possible that she has a personality disorder. Other symptoms common in people with this type of personality disorder include manipulation, compulsive lying, failure to take responsibility, emotional volatility, a bad temper, self centerednrss, difficulty empathising, difficulty forming and maintaining relationships and so on.

Answer

Oh dear you have a lot going on. That's really an understatement. I have a similar situation with my mother and I have a very up-and-down relationship since I was a kid. That way to this day.  However my husband and I and my two kids and I was soon to have a third about a few years ago when looking to get a bigger place and my mom was moving out of her apartment and we offered for her to come and stay with us to help with the baby she would not have to pay any bills only help pay for cable about 100 a month because we knew she would be at home a lot and she has lots of TV shows that she likes to watch. Only asked was for her to tend to the baby during the day I would be home around six and also to our we see the kids when they got off the bus after school watch the kids until I got home at six you know she would just have to maintain her living space and that she was given we were giving her a finished basement to stay in and she wouldn't have to do anything on the weekends.  She could come and go you know after we  got home.  She balked at that idea. She thought that she should not have to pay for anything. Mind you she's not paying for any bills other than her personal ones. And so since she was not wanting to to go with that planit didn't happen.  She decided to go and stay with a relative which did not work out. And to this day she still says that she should've took up all took us up on our offer and she regrets it.   Bottom line I don't think you're asking too much for everything that you're dealing with but you have to set the boundaries with her. Talk with your husband about it and set the boundaries together and if she has issues with it then she needs to go they with her boyfriend.  She's only adding extra stress to your life she's not helping you

Are my expectations too high?

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