Fucking dead inside

Lately when my husband and I argue he "gets so mad" that he tells me he hates me, he doesn't understand how I don't see how much he hates me, he would have so much money saved if he was single and had no one to look after, he wishes I would leave him because he doesn't have it in him to leave me...

Back story, we met in 6th grade, got married at 18 & he was very bad on narcos, somas, xanax & drinking.. & we both smoked weed up until 6 weeks ago. We split up about 4 times because he wanted to do pills and not have to answer to anyone. The longest we would split up would be 2 months, shortest is 2 weeks.. in the 3rd year of our marriage he stabbed himself and went to a psych ward..long story short he changed completely. He cant even finish 1 beer without feeling drunk..he turned into such a good man.. well he got a new job and makes about $1000-$1400 a week, so I quit my job 3 weeks ago and we moved closer to his job. Ever since he got this big pay raise, he hasn't been the same. When we argue he tells me he pays all the bills and has all the money, he would have so much money saved if he was single.. he's turned money hungry, where as I grew up very fortunate all my life, he did not. He had to steal water from apartment pools to boil and take a bath in. He had to drop out in 9th grade to help pay bills and so on.. so I understand him being proud of the money he is making..

I'm far from perfect, I was a bitch when we first got together because I was tired of seeing him fucked up all the time, and I would always nag and complain, and I think he cant let that go.

Ive prayed and prayed for him to change when he was on drugs and he finally did but it also changed the person I once fell in love with.. he wasn't the same.. it's almost like we switched personalities and I have to walk on eggshells and hear him bitch and be negative all the time.. this morning we got in a fight over something so stupid and I should have let it go, but he started with the "I fucking hate you I'm so miserable in life, I want all your shit out of here by the time I get home"

I'm very impulsive and will do something and not realize until all is said and done.. when he got home he wouldn't talk to me, and he texted me he was going to his dads to get away and be in a different environment.

I can't help but feel the things he says "when he's mad" is how he really feels.. how can you tell someone you love, that you fucking hate them? That you wish they would leave you because you don't have it in you to leave them.. I feel like he's no longer in love with me he's just use to being together and too scared to leave.

So I left. I packed all my stuff and had my mom pick me up. I've never left him before, in the past he was always the one leaving..

I don't think it's really hit me yet, but he texted me saying he just needed some time he doesn't really hate me he just doesn't want to go back wards.. I don't know what I'm doing.. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but it's almost like it's toxic, he either loves the fuck out of me or fucking hates me there's no in between. How can I feel loved by someone who begs me to realize how much they hate me? Everyone admires our marriage, even our parents, because of what we've been through and "how strong our love is" EVERYONE tells us they wish they had a love like we do... but no one knows the bad, they only see the good.. I dontknow if I made the right decision or if ill end up going back, but I'm dead inside..