I'm happy? I don't know. When I was 11 I had suicidal thoughts. When I turned 12 I saw this boy and i thought he was so perfect I liked him a lot. He had a girlfriend. They dated for a couple months and then they broke up. His cousin came to me and told me that he liked me I acted surprised but I was seriously so into him. Hence we were in the same lab table in science I never actually had a full conversation with him I just thought he was so perfect as he is. Well he asked me to be his girlfriend after thanksgiving break 2days before my birthday. I felt like I actually had a purpose when I started dating him. I turned 13 2 days after being his girlfriend. I was soooooo happy to be his girlfriend he made me feel sooo loved! It was like a little middle school love story. Little lovers. So 8th grade came. We found out we were going to different high schools. Me and him cried so much that last day of middle school knowing we won't be going to the same school but we remained together all throughout. He would come to my house once or twice a week. When I turned 14 I has suicidal thoughts again. I was happy with him but I wasn't happy with myself. I hated my body. I'm slim I hated being skinny. People always told me "i love your body you are so skinny you are so lucky" but no one knew I hated my body. I started cutting myself. On my wrists. I had a best friend she cried when she found out I was doing that. Junior year came. I lost my best friend. Senior year. I had friends but they didn't know the real me. They didn't know I was suicidal. I just graduated on June of this year (2017) I'm still with my the same boy I dated when I was 12. I'm 18 now. Going to be 19. He hates the thought of me being suicidal. But yet he doesn't like to talk about my feelings so I have to hold everything in. I know that isn't good for me. He makes me so happy. But most of the time I just don't want to live anymore. He saved me when I was just 12 years old thinking about killing my self. He showed me love and affection. He made me feel wanted and loved. He still kinda does...I feel so lucky to have such an amazing perfect boyfriend. I never want to let him go. But I....I really don't want to live anymore. It's not his fault. I don't want it to be his fault I don't want him thinking I wasn't happy and I killed my self. I just feel like it's right to let go of my life. Something is telling me to just let go. I feel it in me. I'm not happy with myself. I don't think I ever will be. I'm crazy in love with my boyfriend. But I just want to end things with myself. I'm not happy with myself. My boyfriend really gave me a purpose in life. I had something to hold me together. But now...I cant live with myself any longer.