need help

About a year ago my best friends boyfriend raped me. Before this we were all good friends, he used to talk to me about his family and struggles he went through, even about how his mom being raped. After telling me all that i couldn't believe he could do such a thing. After that I acted like nothing happened, I tried to keep positive and not let it get in my way. It was hard because I was in a relationship at the moment and wanted to tell him but I was too scared. My other best friend (she was with me when it happened) would talk to me and check up to see if I was doing good. After that incident I started to think about my childhood sexual abuse a lot more and I started to get triggered a lot easier. It started when I was 4 or 5 years old my cousin would touch me and make me touch him. Two more of my cousins touched me in my sleep. I get so frustrated with myself because I could've told somebody and I didn't. About 4 months ago me and the girls stopped being friends, and its been hard not being able to talk to someone about it, specially because i trusted one of them so much. This summer has been so hard for me and I can't seem to stop thinking about all of it. I have been suicidal before but when i started to smoke weed, it wasn't as bad. Now I don't know what to do, I cry at everything and cant stop thinking about it