Am I okay?

Question

Idk. Sometimes I feel fine and others I feel like I'm losing it. I had depression and severe anxiety for years before my pregnancy so I'm just used to it but I don't want to feel these negative emotions around/about my baby. I LOVE him. To the core I fucking love him more than anything.. but I don't feel it. You know what I mean? I know I love him, being away from him makes me feel physically sick I love him so much, but I just feel emotionally numb. Like, most of the time I don't feel anything at all and I can't have it my son needs me to be better. I'm just going through the motions because I know it's what's right. My depression isn't the worst right now, but my anxiety gets really bad especially when I'm alone with my son all day and he's fussing and I don't get a break, I just want to set him down and walk away and not even deal with it. I get some really scary intrusive thoughts and they scare the crap out of me. I really try
To close my eyes and find my Zen but sometimes it's hard. My and my boyfriend (not ex) are going through it he's abusive and he's been cheating on me.. again, so I broke up with him and it makes it really hard. I'm alone now, and he just yells at me constantly always harassing me but I can't make him leave because I NEED the small moments where he takes over and gives me a break. I need those. I let him borrow a lot of money and now he won't pay me back and I'm broke.. I can't go back to work because I have nobody to watch the baby (nobody that I trust at least) and I NEED income.. I'm really stressing but it all circles back to not being enough for my son. Sorry I'm ranting, I just want to not feel this negativity. I love my son and I want to give him the best life possible and I want him to be raised in a loving nurturing positive environment.. but it's just so damn hard. I'm lost. And I don't want to go back on Xanax, I can't do it cause then when I don't have it my anxiety is worse and I just want to get better. Therapy never seems to work for me I'm too closed off, and anti depressants make me feel like an emotionless zombie. I just don't know what to do guys, I want to be better for my baby! A better person, better mother, better everything. I'm just so upset that I have to push myself to feel the love I have for my son. I know it'll get better when he's a little older but these moments are beautiful and I don't want to waste them.

Answer

You need help. I mean that in the most literal sense: you are shouldering an incredible amount, and pressing on in really tough circumstances! Even if you weren't dealing with PPD, you've got more on your plate than is fair. There's a temptation to feel that you've got to handle it all, that it all is on you, but it doesn't have to be. There is help out there. 
So here comes the hard part: figuring out how to get that help. But you can take it one step at a time. Maybe make a list? Don't worry about solving all of your problems at once, just anything to lighten the load will help. And often, if you get help from one place, they will have suggestions on how to solve your other problems, so it's not all on you to come up with solutions.
Off the top of my head, here's what comes to mind:
- Women's health clinics...I bet Planned Parenthood would be able to point you in the right direction. 
- Women's shelters/abuse resource centers. It's not just for when you're needing to go to a shelter- I worked with one that provided help, counseling, got people signed up for help from the state and other organizations. Made sure that people had a place to live, coats for their kids, even advice for new mothers. Look up ones local to you, and then give them calls. I'd try more than one so you have options and don't fall prey to the urge to give up if the first one doesn't work. 
- Catholic Charities (you don't have to be catholic)
- Social worker (county welfare office, etc)
-Family resource centers
- Family members/friends who can help you find resources and do some of the work finding things out for you.

Answer

I am so very sorry you are going through all this. You deserve so much better than someone who cheats and yells and is abusive.
 I think you are a great mother who is doing everything possible for her baby boy, but you do need some help and support. Everyone does sometimes. It doesn't always mean medication. Medication helped me get to a point where I could work and do more and more for myself but it isn't for everyone. If you can talk to your OB they might have more options for you. As far as income and jobs, community colleges often have programs for parents, if there is one near you it could be worth looking into.
I hope you find the support, and everything starts getting better soon.

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