Am I okay?

Idk. Sometimes I feel fine and others I feel like I'm losing it. I had depression and severe anxiety for years before my pregnancy so I'm just used to it but I don't want to feel these negative emotions around/about my baby. I LOVE him. To the core I fucking love him more than anything.. but I don't feel it. You know what I mean? I know I love him, being away from him makes me feel physically sick I love him so much, but I just feel emotionally numb. Like, most of the time I don't feel anything at all and I can't have it my son needs me to be better. I'm just going through the motions because I know it's what's right. My depression isn't the worst right now, but my anxiety gets really bad especially when I'm alone with my son all day and he's fussing and I don't get a break, I just want to set him down and walk away and not even deal with it. I get some really scary intrusive thoughts and they scare the crap out of me. I really try
To close my eyes and find my Zen but sometimes it's hard. My and my boyfriend (not ex) are going through it he's abusive and he's been cheating on me.. again, so I broke up with him and it makes it really hard. I'm alone now, and he just yells at me constantly always harassing me but I can't make him leave because I NEED the small moments where he takes over and gives me a break. I need those. I let him borrow a lot of money and now he won't pay me back and I'm broke.. I can't go back to work because I have nobody to watch the baby (nobody that I trust at least) and I NEED income.. I'm really stressing but it all circles back to not being enough for my son. Sorry I'm ranting, I just want to not feel this negativity. I love my son and I want to give him the best life possible and I want him to be raised in a loving nurturing positive environment.. but it's just so damn hard. I'm lost. And I don't want to go back on Xanax, I can't do it cause then when I don't have it my anxiety is worse and I just want to get better. Therapy never seems to work for me I'm too closed off, and anti depressants make me feel like an emotionless zombie. I just don't know what to do guys, I want to be better for my baby! A better person, better mother, better everything. I'm just so upset that I have to push myself to feel the love I have for my son. I know it'll get better when he's a little older but these moments are beautiful and I don't want to waste them.