I've felt this way for years. sometimes its gotten better, and for months ive been okay. at first I thought surely I don't have depression, i'm too young, nothing has really happened to me despite all the un needed stress i went through at 14-16. but as i'm getting older, ive finished school, college, i can drive, everyone is moving away and going to uni or doing some sort of course or job and i just feel stuck. not even physically, just mentally stuck. people think im being lazy or wasting away years, or i just dont know. but i am so fucking scared. a part of me doesnt want to do anything because of gran, i couldnt live with myself if something happened to her whilst I was away. especially with the cats there, she just cant do it and it would put more stress on my mother. i know no one truly knows whats going on in my head but i feel like even if i said i have depression i need help, people would question it and be ignorant. how can you have it? there's nothing wrong with your life you're just lazy or dont know what to do yet. no, its not any of that. and it makes me feel so fucking small just thinking about it. i know its getting worse, even though ive been trying to put it aside and act like its fine, because im more sensitive now than ever, and im not like that, sensitive about fucking anything. someone could say something that literally means nothing and id take offence. i'm paranoid, paranoid people are talking about me or they have a problem with me or don't want to be around me anymore, its pathetic i know but i literally cannot stop it. its just becoming so real. i have no motivation anymore. mentally aswell as physically. i honestly dont know what to do with my life, which makes it harder to reach a goal. i know i dont want to go uni, because i dont know what id even do! and ive become so unsociable i dont think id cope, i dont want to be like this. like fucking honestly i feel like screaming and crying every single minute, i want to have ambitions and goals, and be going places like everyone else! but it just seems so much easier to end it all rather than fight this, i feel so isolated in myself and ive become so weak and small, i feel fucking stupid writing this, i know its the cowards way out and the only reason i havent is because im trying to be someone else's rock. i'm always trying to help everybody else that ive forgotten about myself, ive left it go on this long its just all build up. i know everyone would be more pissed and disappointed, and especially confused if i did it. i know it doesnt matter when im gone i wont know but i care too much about everyone i love to leave them with that heartache. i dont doubt people care about me, but its so hard to see it sometimes when im trying to reach out and no one replies, but then i just think maybe its because they dont truly know. but no matter how big or small im there for someone, i could never ignore them knowing they are troubled. but i guess im honestly not selfish like that. dont know where im going with this i just need to get it all out. i'm writing hoping i will send this to someone soon because i want the help! for once i truly need it, i dont want to be like this, im changing too much where i'm literally breaking inside and eating away at myself. i dont feel good enough anymore, i feel ugly. i hate more and more about myself everyday, yes people have it worse, i fucking know but you cannot tell me that everytime i get upset. because i cant control it!!! i have fucking depression. and its gotten to the point where i am honestly thinking about suicide every fucking day the more i realise i am alone. ive harmed myself for years, when i first did it back in school it was more likely a cry for help even though only the odd few accidentally knew about it. but who would take it seriously then, i didnt. and i pulled through however its come back to hit me twice as hard this time, ive started harming again, and even though i have a boyfriend who would literally do anything and i know hes there for me, i cant bring myself to say how bad it is because im too busy worrying about him and i know he doesn't care about himself but its exactly the same with me, im too occupied helping him to even think about helping myself. but i guess im doing this because i want that little chance of finding help and finding someone who will take me seriously. i'm trying to fight it every single day, im ignoring those thoughts in my head telling me no one gives a fuck, that everyone is selfish, that no one will help if you cried out this much. i dont want to feel this way, i want to have a passion, i want to travel, i want to be fucking happy. i dont want to feel sorry for myself. im not fucking doing it for attention, if that was the case id be showing fucking everyone what i do to myself and complaining every single day. but i cant even bring myself to do that. so many times ive thought ok thats it, im ending it all. but i remember my family, friends and court and know i could never do it to them. i don't want to be a coward. but i cant bring myself to get help either, not alone. i'm just so fucking scared of myself now.